Parenting

When Ira was not quite two years old, I was getting very frustrated as a parent, constantly saying no, feeling like it didn't do any good, and pretty much feeling like I was NOT the one in control of the situation. In college, in my classroom management class, one of the management techniques that we covered was Love and Logic. A common-sense system that teaches children that their actions have consequences. We covered it fairly briefly, but it piqued my interest enough that when I saw in the Catholic Advance (our diocesan newspaper) that Love & Logic Parenting classes were going to be offered, I thought it sounded like something worth checking out.

Andy & I signed up and went to the classes, one night a week for six weeks. After the first class, we were pretty excited about what we were learning. After all six classes, we were thoroughly convinced that Love & Logic was a parenting style that fit us and our needs perfectly. It just makes so much sense - go figure - it's LOGICAL! In order to stay very true to the principles taught by Love and Logic, I will probably be quoting a lot in this overview, so that you get the most concise and accurate picture of what Love & Logic is.

As we all know, kids are experimenters and they are smart. From the time they are born, they are learning about their environment. As newborns, they learn from loving responsiveness that the world is a good place - that their needs will be met. They instinctively know that crying is the way to alert people of their needs. They learn to trust by having their needs consistently met.

As they grow and develop, they begin to have not only needs, but wants as well. To quote Love & Logic Magic for Early Childhood ,

"As infants become toddlers, they also develop a wide array of desires. As Foster Cline says, "A two-year-old is not only a bundle of needs, but now a bundle of wants. As the second year of life approaches, the role we play as parents must adapt. To maintain the parent-child bond, we must also begin setting limits on wants."

How do we do that as parents? By lovingly meeting needs, and limiting wants. Love & Logic can basically be summed up by two rules for adults:

"1) Take care of yourself by setting limits in a loving way,
2) Turn every mistake or misbehavior into a learning opportunity."

To practice the first rule, we must:

"-Replace anger and frustration with empathy.
-Replace threats and warnings with simple actions.
-Set limits you can enforce.
Give away the control you don't need."

Being empathetic to our children is a NATURAL response. When something bad happens to them, it is natural to feel bad for them. Or at least deep down it is. Sometimes however, it's not perfectly natural to convey that through our words. It's easy to get angry when a child does something wrong (like paints on the walls) However, it is crucial to use empathy as we respond to our children's behaviors and misbehaviors.

"What Empathy Accomplishes
-Preserves the adult-child relationship
-Prevents resentment and the chances of "payback" behavior
-Models, and therefore, teaches respect
-Helps a child stay focused on what can be learned from a mistake rather than on the adult's anger"

So what would be an empathetic response to painting on the walls?

"Oh honey, that's so sad. It's not okay to paint on the wall. What are you going to do to fix this?"

Being empathetic is something I really struggle with. It's not that I don't feel bad for Ira when he misbehaves, it's just that I do struggle with conveying it sometimes. It's something that I need to work on for sure. Re-reading/reviewing this book is bringing it to my attention even more. Alas, parenting is a constant process, thank GOD that we can reflect and tweak as needed!

Now, about replacing threats and warnings with simple actions. How exactly do we do that?

"Have you ever found yourself telling a child to do something that you can't really make him do? 'Sit still; Be quiet!; Keep your hands to yourself.' Most kids learn very quickly that, short of physical restraint, we cannot make them be quiet. Similarly, most learn quickly that we can't make them sit still... Each time we tell our kids to do something that we really cannot make them do, we give away some of our power and a whole lot of our credibility."

So how do we keep our credibility as parents? We use enforceable statements. Instead of saying "Put your coat on!" We say, "I'd be happy to take you outside when your coat is on." Instead of saying "Stop tipping your chair!" We say, "You're welcome to keep your chair as long as you're not tipping it." Let me tell you, at first, it was difficult coming up with enforceable statements, but after not very long, it became a part of who I am as a parent. It's just naturally the way I talk now.

Using enforceable statements helps us set limits and boundaries for Ira. It is how we pass down our knowledge and values to Ira. It is how Ira learns that in the real world, his actions have consequences. He can learn everything from it's not okay to blow bubbles in my milk to it's not okay to take toys from my sister from us using enforceable statements. This is something that especially when Ira was two, made parenting much easier! It was the first strategy I tried with him when we were taking the classes, and I couldn't believe how much more in control of things I felt. I didn't have to say no all the time - which didn't really do much good anyway - I could say something once and have it mean something! I used enforceable statements ALL. THE. TIME. when Ira was younger. I still use them with him now, just not as frequently. Again, it's certainly not something we are perfect at (who is?!)

Lastly, Love and Logic taught us to use choices to give away the control that we didn't need as parents.

"Limits are always easier to set and enforce when children feel a healthy sense of control. Control is like many other things in life - the more we give, the more we get. We never have any more love in our lives than we give to others. We never get any more respect from others than we give them. And, we never have much more money in our bank account than what we deposit in the first place. To make withdrawls, we must first make deposits. Such is the same for control. Wise parents give plenty of choices on small issues, so they can make "withdrawls" on large ones."

The guidelines for giving choices to our kids:

"1. Give 99% of choices when things are going smoothly.
2. Provide choices only on issues that are not dangerous and don't create a problem for anyone else on the planet.
3. Always offer two options, each of which makes you happy.
4. If the child does not choose in ten seconds flat, choose for them."

This is where you can really have a blast as a parent! You can make a game out of how many choices you can give your kid each day. Once you start, it's hard to stop! What am I talking about? Let's look at breakfast alone:

1) Ira, do you want to sit in this chair or that one?
2) Do you want Cheerios or Oatmeal for breakfast?
3) Do you want the pink bowl or the green one?
4) Do you want me to pour the milk now or after we pray?
5) Do you want to say "Bless us O Lord" or "God is Great?"
6) Do you want this spoon or that one?
7) Do you think you can finish expediently or should I set the timer? (yes, I have actually said that, and yes, Ira knows what expediently means.)

And those are just choices I can think of off the top of my head. Where this gets really great, is that after breakfast it's chore time "Do you want 21 or 23 minutes to do your chores?" he he he Well, usually there is quite the protest about doing chores "It's not fair! I don't want to do chores!!" (Seriously, so many days... He definitely inherited his mama's stubbornness) But that's when I can make a "withdrawl" by LOVINGLY saying "I know it's hard Ira. But I give you LOTS of choices each day. You get to choose...(list all the choices you just gave) Well, chores are one of the choices that I get to make (and I set the timer and start it.)

To briefly sum up the second rule of Love & Logic "turn every mistake or misbehavior into a learning opportunity" I will just give you the bullets from the book.

"-Always provide a strong dose of empathy before delivering a consequence
-Replace punishment with logical consequences.
-When possible, guide your child to solve his or her own problem."

You can see how Love & Logic takes SO much of the conflict/frustration/anger out of parenting. It truly does make parenting fun. I really do thoroughly enjoy being a parent most of the time. There are SO many times while talking with Ira that I think, "Wow - I really do love and enjoy being a parent!" And usually the times that I am NOT enjoying being a parent, I find that I have become lax about using Love & Logic. So Andy and I talk, and we "strategize," and sometimes I re-read through parts (or all) of the book, and I find myself thoroughly reinvigorated. And it doesn't take long before parenting is fun again.

Now, this is FAR from a complete account of Love & Logic. For that, you'd have to read the books, or (the real motivator for writing this post) take the classes. They are again being offered in the Wichita area starting January 24th. The classes cost $50 per couple (which I would highly recommend - going as a couple) or $35/individual. For more information or to register, you can click here. (Though offered at the Catholic retreat center, you definitely don't need to be Catholic to attend.) If you can't go to the classes, the books are very reasonably priced. The two we have are "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood," and "Parenting with Love and Logic". The books are very good, easy reads. And you can learn a LOT from them. But if you can, I would HIGHLY recommend the classes. The instructors are fabulous and provide plenty of opportunities for questions and answers (which you just can't get from a book!)

Just so you know, I am receiving NOTHING for blogging about this. I purchased the books and went to the classes with my own money. It is just something that I am very VERY satisfied with and something that I wholeheartedly believe in. I think it can truly make a difference in your life as a parent - especially if you're struggling!