My Valentine

So I know this post is like 6 weeks late, but hey, I'm catching up!

It's funny, when you're dating, Valentine's Day is such a big stinkin' deal.  Dinner, flowers, trinkets, what have you.  When we got married, Valentine's Day became much more laid back.  Quite honestly, I'm relieved.  The whole Valentine's Day thing just stresses me out a bit.  I mean, shouldn't we be showing each other (and our children) as best we can every day how much we love each other?  Not that a special day dedicated to love each year is a bad thing, it's just that, like just about every holiday nowadays, it has become SO commercial.  The commercials on TV leading up to Valentine's Day make me SICK.  As if most of the general population can actually afford to give their significant others jewelry "starting at $99."  Even if they could?  Is that truly the best way to show EVERY woman that they are loved?  And what I really love is that all these commercials are aimed at 1) making women think they need these things to be happy/feel loved, 2) making men feel like slackers if they do anything less.  And 3) where in the heck are all the commercials touting stuff for men for V-day?  Oh wait, it's not about the men?  Apparently Valentine's Day is not about BOTH people, just about the woman.  Am I making any sense?

For Valentine's Day, things were pretty low key around our house.  I made a pie (fail) for the family.  Andy left me post-it note love notes throughout the house.  Ira made valentines with the new construction paper we got him.  Ruby had crazy, "I wore pigtails the day before" hair...  And yet, it was one of the best Valentine's Days yet.  Not because of what we did in particular that day, but because of the things that we do to show each other our love every day.

Andy and I did "go out" for Valentine's Day the next weekend to our Natural Family Planning Office's "Night of Romance."  It is an event they put on each year around Valentine's Day.  We had tried to go last year, but it sold out.  This year, we got our reservations in early, along with 199 other couples.  It was held at the gym of a local parish.  They had everything decked out like Mardi Gras.  We got to get all dolled up (how often does that happen anymore?)  And we had a wonderful evening out meeting new friends, eating a delicious meal, hearing an awesome speaker and an awesome couple that sang about the TRUE meaning of love and marriage.  It was amazing to spend time around so many other Catholic, NFP-practicing, nursing, kid-raising, "trying to do the best they can" couples.  It was a romantic evening in the most "non-worldly" way!  We hope to make it an annual tradition!

Oh my Garden! (rant)

Much to my dismay, the garden has just not been doing very well this year. (Which is a total disappointment, because last year we didn't get to enjoy much of our garden at all because the word "garden" sent me running to the bathroom to throw up (thank you Miss Ruby.))

Our butternut squash did well enough for me to make about 4 gallons of baby food for little Ruby-roo before it succumbed to the squash bugs that ate the pumpkins, squash, and zucchini plants to death. Grrrr!

After obliterating the squash, the stupid pests moved on to the tomatoes. We've probably picked about 50 total, and don't foresee picking many more this year. Boo-hoo! I was really looking forward to putting up a bunch of diced tomatoes so that we didn't have to buy them throughout the rest of the year.

The jalapenos and banana-peppers (which must have cross-bred with some habaneros from down the street because some of them are seriously hot as FIRE) are doing well, thankfully. But seriously, what can you do with a million jalapenos when you have no tomatoes to make salsa? Grrr.... We've resorted to purreeing them in the food processor and putting them in baby food jars then freezing them. It really is a great way to use jalapenos because you have total control over how spicy you make something with them (in chili, spread on a sandwich, on pizza, etc.)

The cantaloupe are also doing pretty well. I might or might not have eaten two entire cantaloupe by myself one afternoon...

The okra are doing crazy well, so we've enjoyed fried okra once and have sliced up several quarts of them to use later this year in gumbo. Hooray!

The cucumbers are also doing crazy well. We've probably picked no less than 100 so far. If you live nearby and would like some, let me know! They are very very good cucumbers!

Sorry if this post is negative - it just really bums me out that the garden is doing so poorly this year. Here's some pictures of the babe with some of the garden produce. Yes, we picked a pumpkin in mid-July - I don't know why it was ready that early, but we are going to enjoy it since it looks like the pumpkins will not be making it to Halloween-time!

Down and out...

Yep - that's how I've felt lately - maybe it's the grey, cold weather - but I've just been sad lately. It mostly stems from our miscarriages I know, and I can't believe how sad I can still be over them. I am trying so hard to trust that God has a plan for all of this - but that doesn't make it any less heart-wrenching to go through. I know we are almost to the point of being ready to try again - but it scares me to death to think of being pregnant. And I can't help but worry that 6-7 weeks from whenever we get pregnant, we'll be disappointed and so utterly devastated again. So tragedy could strike when? My birthday? Memorial weekend? Our 4th anniversary? Over vacation? The 4th of July? That's just how I want to remember those events. It's just so hard to trust that there's even a chance that things can go right. And then I get to thinking of all my past sins, and I wonder why God would ever want to bless me with another healthy pregnancy. I am trying so hard to move on, but to what? Everyone else's lives seem to be progressing - people are getting engaged, getting married, having babies, having 2nd babies, etc... and where are we going? I've always wanted a big family - yet here we are - married almost 4 years with just one precious kiddo here on earth. I feel like we're in "the waiting place" that Dr. Seuss describes in "Oh The Places You'll Go." Just waiting... Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I love my husband and my son. I love where we live. I love the things that we do. I feel like we're in a pretty good place in our lives right now. But I am SO READY for more!! And not more trials (if you're reading this God) But more hope - more happiness - more fulfillment - more KIDS!! I feel like I can't truly "get over" our miscarriages until I'm holding another baby in my arms. And I know we could possibly adopt - but it makes me so sad to think about giving up pregnancy and childbirth and nursing. I feel like I'm having to give up all the things I've ever dreamed about. It is depressing to the core to think about giving up my dreams. (As I sit here editing this, I can even hear God saying - "But what about MY dreams for you." - But oh heavenly Father - sometimes it is so hard to surrender myself to You and let go of that control. - Hence the title of my blog.)

Ugh... I'm sorry to write such a depressing post - I've never blogged about our miscarriages before - but I can't not talk about it anymore or I feel like it will eat me alive - it is a huge part of who I am and how I look at things now. Thanks for letting me vent to you - and if nobody reads this - well, it feels good to get it out anyway.