Journal: Nov. 19

Outside my window:  Blogging from the basement - no windows here.  But if there were, I wouldn't be able to see anything anyways.  It's dark outside.  Beautiful day today though - 60s, sunny.

Clothing myself in: Jeans and Black short sleeved shirt.  Like I said - it was a gorgeous day.

Around the house: I cleaned the OVEN yesterday!!  It had been awhile since I last scrubbed it down.  That is such a project!  Lots and lots of elbow grease to complete that task.  (It's 28 years old - no self-cleaning burnination here.)  Also, went through the kids' toys and chucked the junky ones (you know, the stuff that sinks to the bottom of the toybox and NEVER gets played with... happy-meal type stuff (although we don't really eat happy meals here much.)

Ruby: Super attached to her "YMCA" jersey.  I never thought I would have one of those kids that always HAD to wear a certain article of clothing, but I am telling you, if we let her, she would wear that jersey (a hand-me-down from her cousin) ALL THE TIME.  It's really funny to me.

Ira: Has been a bit of a pickle lately.  And by pickle I mean really, really hard to deal with.  Just being disrespectful and rude and physically confrontational.  And I haven't handled it well at all.  AT ALL.  Edited when I remembered this: On an upside, we had a humorous conversation today that I had to share:

"Mom, is there still slavery in the U.S.?"
"No, not anymore."
"But there is other places in the world?"
"Yes."
"Like where?"
"Hmmm, not really sure."
"Egypt?"
"I don't know maybe."
"And probably Nineveh.  Did Jonah really get swallowed by a whale?"
"That's the story."
"And do the people in Nineveh really slap each other in the face with fishes?"

Seriously - where does he get this stuff... is that in the Jonah Veggie Tales movie?  I don't remember it, but I'm guessing that's where he got that... And does anyone know where is Nineveh?  By that I mean, what present day country is where Nineveh was?  There isn't still a Nineveh right?

In the Kitchen: Don't really have a lot planned with the holiday this week.  And I just didn't sit down and plan it last night, so I'm flying by the seat of my pants for now.  I don't really like doing that though, so I'll probably have to plan something for tomorrow and Wednesday.

Bringing me Joy: Watching the squirrels in our yard.  I wish I could put a camera on their necks - I would love to see where all they go and where they nest.  Got my hair cut a couple weeks ago and it feels so much softer and more manageable now.  Watching a new episode of Castle.

Thinking about: Focusing my attention on the people in my life not the things.  It seems like my priorities have been a little off kilter lately - keeping my house/internet life up, but not really keeping up with my kids and their lives.  So I've taken to repeating to myself throughout the day, "people first."

Picture to share:

The only picture I took this week is of my oven... Hello my name is Michelle and I have a problem...

Journal: Nov 13

TODAY

Outside my window: Mid fifties, sunny.  Most of the leaves have vacated the trees.

Clothing myself in: Jeans (the THIRD pair of pants today mind you), eggplant-colored long sleeve shirt, black short sleeve sweater.

Around the House: Would you believe that I waited to blog until today so that I could report to you that I finally cleaned the aquarium?  Well, I did.  Hooray!  Also, there are "cuttings" ALL OVER!  Ruby is SO into cutting paper right now.  It occupies her for hours each day, but it also means that I need to vacuum most night... not that I actually do, just that I should.  Also, I divided ALL the (kids) books we own into 12 stacks, one for each month.  That way, the kids have "new" reading material each month (some of which is month-specific.)  I did leave about a dozen "favorites" out to stay because there are just some books we can't do without.

Ruby: Cutting paper, painting, coloring, but mostly cutting.  Switched to having "Quiet Time" instead of nap time each day.  I read her a book, then leave her in her room with a basket of books to "read."  She usually ends up falling asleep after 15-20 minutes, then sleeps for an hour or so until I wake her.  Bedtime has been a lot better.

Ira: Still hanging on to that loose tooth (he "broke a root on it" yesterday during school apparently.)  Doing SO much better about getting his chores done.  He ran out of "spending money" last week and had to pay me with a pound of candy one day.  That was the end of that!  He's been really responsible about getting both his morning and afternoon chores done lately.  He's also really into telling us he's going to "throw us in the trash" if we don't stop whatever we're doing that he doesn't like.  Love you too, bud!

In the kitchen: French bread pizzas & salad; Leftover goulash; Chicken over curly noodles; Herbed Tuna Sandwiches

Hobbies: Read the entire book from the PPVI Institute over the course of a couple days.  So beautiful and inspiring!  Transferring video from our camcorder to our computer.  It'll take awhile, but it'll be worth it to have it digital (and backed up).

Bringing me Joy: Aforementioned book.  Grandma Gladys' 90th birthday party this past Sunday.  What a woman, what a party!

Thinking about: The election.    Trying to be really "present" for my kids in the after school/dinnertime/bedtime time frame.  How this is the only childhood my kids are going to have.

Picture to share: Grandma Gladys with our family.

Just what the doctor ordered...

Yesterday was just one of those days.  After blogging about it, things didn't improve much, but we all made it through the day alive(ish).

Today, I got just what the doctor ordered.  More specifically, I got my lab orders from Dr. Hilgers at Pope Paul VI Institute!  Each little step on this journey is so encouraging.  So what my sad heart needs right now.  I think I may try to blog about our journey - the process, my feelings/emotions/reflections.

I am thoroughly impressed already with the compassion and care I have received from PPVI - and I haven't even been there yet!  Each contact, be it by phone, e-mail, or letter has been so highly respectful, encouraging, and compassionate about our situation.  In the mail today with my lab orders was a letter that I'd like to excerpt from here, just so you can see what I'm talking about.

"Due to an ever-increasing request for services, we regret that we cannot call you as quickly as we would like to; nor can we schedule your surgery as quickly as we would like to...  Know that we are doing everything we can to expedite your visit."

Knowing that this waiting period is difficult, we are enclosing a complimentary copy of Women Healed, a compilation of stories written by our patients.  We hope you will enjoy this book.  We will call you as soon as we can."

Wow. Just wow.  This is the kind of doctor I want to call my own!

I will probably devour the book today.  Goodbye, to-do list; hello, just-what-my-very-soul-needed reading!!

Just listen to an excerpt from the Introduction, written by Dr. Hilgers' former personal administrator:

"...With Gratitude [to] Dr. Thomas Hilgers, Pope Paul VI Institute director who generously shared his time and expertise in contributing to this book and whose visionary and pioneering efforts in women's reproductive health have, with God's help, led to the healings these women write about...

The idea for this book came from Pope Paul VI Institute nurses reading over the many patients' notes of appreciation sent to them and Dr. Hilgers over the years.  Their words have had a deep impact and have been saved and treasured...

As I shared these stories with Dr. Hilgers, he told me the deep gratitude of these women for his research, clinical and educational work was overwhelming and a bit embarrassing.  He was concerned that this book would be viewed as some type of self-promotion, but that is not the goal at all.  He asked me to edit out the praise, and I did to some extent but it was such an integral part of each story that to eliminate it would distort each woman's own story.

...I hope that the words of these contributors will provide answers as well as hope."

Wow. They just get it. all. Praise the Lord!

Thanks again for your prayers.  We truly feel them working in our lives and are so grateful for the love and support we have received.  Blessings!  I'm off to read...

Feeling like...

Right now I'm feeling it.  That feeling of inferiority.  Behind.  The weight of the to-do list in my head - crushing.   Like "I never get anything done around here."  Trapped in our toy-infested, never totally clean, always laundry to do house.  Slacker.  Lazy.  Like I'm always doing too much at once and not enough all at the same time.  Like "please (Ruby) don't ask me if you can help with whatever I'm trying to do in the kitchen one more time.  And please don't ask to use glue one more time.  In fact, if you could just leave me to wallow in my thoughts, that'd be great m-kay?"  And at the same time feeling that childhood is so fleeting and I never "do anything" with my kids.  Some mother I am.  And yet I pray earnestly multiple times a day to be blessed with more children.  Contradiction.  Like I just want to take a nap.  But that if I do I'll just feel worse and more behind.  Like "crap I was supposed to make yogurt, do laundry, and make pear (instead of apple) sauce today and as of noon I haven't even started any of them."  Like crying but the tears won't come because as with every thing else, I'm just not putting forth the effort.

I hate it when I feel like this.  Blurgh.

Journal: Nov. 5

Today

Outside my window: Mid 50s, gorgeous autumn-colored trees.  Our maples out front are especially beautiful right now.  One is a shade of reddish orange that could only have come from the mind of the Master Painter.  Seriously, even Crayola couldn't come up with a name that is worthy of the color of this tree.  It makes me happy each year to watch it turn.

Clothing myself in: Black long sleeved shirt, jeans with a belt.

Around the house: I did actually clean a lot of the house on Friday.  Still haven't cleaned the swamp aquarium.  I scrubbed the floor last night.  That made the house feel a lot cleaner.  It's odd, but if the kitchen isn't clean, I don't feel like the rest of the house is (even if it is.)  Andy replaced the light pull switch in the kids' fan.  It'd been dark in their room for a couple weeks!

Ruby: Still not potty trained at naps/night - on my mind b/c I had to buy diapers today - I was hoping I wouldn't have to buy them again.  Speaking of naps - she's at that point where taking a nap during the day makes bedtime a total circus.  So we're trying to figure out exactly what we want to do about that.  She was a total riot trick-or-treating.  Totally got into it this year and struck up conversations with everyone who answered the door.  Someone asked her who she was (dressed up as) and she answered with her first, middle, and last name.  She was also really good at getting extra candy by asking "What's that pink one right there?"  "Oh this one, here you can have it too!" Latest phrases: "Dad do you know what's in there? (her cup) It's chem-i-lade!"

Ira: Is all too content to pay me to do his chores.  Something must be done about this...  Was a scuba diver for Halloween.  Did an awesome report on St. Joseph for All Saints day.  Asked what "circumcision" was (part of the research on St. Joseph had about when St. Joseph named Jesus on the 8th day after his birth, the day he first shed his blood for us.  And of course, Andy is not home for this conversation, so I get to answer it.)  There was lots of wincing and grimacing involved when I answered.  LOL.  Still has his very very loose tooth.  Would not allow Grandpa to pull it - even for $10.

In the Kitchen: Spaghetti & Meatballs with green beans; Pumpkin Pancakes with eggs, bacon, and fresh apples; Chop Suey American with california medley; Cheese Pizza with lettuce salad and fresh fruit.

My Hobbies: Well, the gallon and a half of yogurt that I made last Tuesday is totally gone!  As is the granola!  Looks like I'll be making some more of each this week.  Edited some more photos.  In editing, I'm realizing that I need to pay more attention to exactly which of the 9 focus points is/are focusing, and/or changing them to suit my needs.

Bringing me Joy: After never really having a jacket that fit (other than hoodies) I found a Columbia jacket for half price at Marshalls today.  The sleeves are long enough and it fits perfectly - and it's a women's jacket to boot (I may or may not end up in men's jackets/coats most of the time.)  Getting the ball rolling on going to PPVI.  It will still a number of months before we go there, but I am so glad to be getting started.  Having a "clean soul" after going to confession.  Celestial Seasonings "Sugar Cookie Sleigh Ride" Tea.  It is SO good!

Thinking About: The election.  And praying so hard for the future of our country.  Also, I'm reading a book about pathogens (bacteria, infections, etc.) affecting fertility.  It is incredibly compelling and I also found out (happily, because some of the stuff in it really hits close to home) that Dr. Hilgers has studied under this doctor and applies his theories in his own practice.  Hooray!  I am so hopeful that we will get solid answers at PPVI.

Pictures to share:

Learning Photoshop

So awhile back, Groupon offered a coupon for online photoshop classes on JessicaSprague.com.  Knowing that despite working in Photoshop some, I still really have know idea what I'm doing, I thought it might be a good idea to buy the groupon.  I'm really glad I did.  I am thoroughly impressed with the website really thought the information and the format was awesome.  I feel as though I have learned SO much (and yet still feel like I'm just scratching the surface too...)  I would highly recommend the classes for anyone who feels daunted by opening pictures in Photoshop (or Elements, which is what I have.)  As I can save my money, I would like to take more of the classes available through the website.  As a side note, I'm not receiving anything for this review - I'm just impressed and thought there might be others out there who would be interested in this info. I thought I would share a couple before-and-afters that I put together today.

Journal Take 1

So, yeah, trying to jump back into blogging, thought I'd jump on the journaling bandwagon...  Before I start though, you should probably know that way back in August, we miscarried another baby - that's kind of why the blogging came to a halt.  We had genetic testing done to see if there were any genetic/chromosomal issues that were causing our miscarriages.  Nothing abnormal showed up on the tests, but they did indicate that our baby was a girl.  That's still just surreal to me.  We've always guessed before, but to know?  Wow.  Other than that, life is still just plowing along. Hopefully I'll be able to document better the quickly passing days with this journal.  I'm not known for my dedication to this blog though, so we'll just play it by ear I guess...

TODAY

Outside my window: Sunny, 60s, the garden finally bit the dust this weekend with a couple freezes.  Except maybe the lettuce might survive?

Clothing myself in: Blue long sleeve shirt and jeans. With a belt. Because they won't stay up without it.

Around the house: I DEEP cleaned nearly 2 weeks ago.  I keep telling myself that "it's still clean" despite the fact that um. it's not. Hmmm... and the fish aquarium needs cleaned badly.  I should do that.

Ruby: Talks and sings all the time.  Is in a bit of a "whiney" stage lately.  We're working on "using big voices."  Has a huge imagination.  Her favorite toys lately have been the Fisher Price Little People and Animals.  We purged a ton of them, but have a few left and boy do they get played with. Daily.

Ira: Has a very loose tooth on top.  Got new glasses that fit him SO much better.  Is reading nearly 4th grade level books for AR for school.  Is getting better at doing his chores (or paying me to do them.)  Has been showing less resistance/anger when he gets in trouble.  But also has been terrible at mass the last 2 weeks.

In the kitchen: Tomato Mushroom soup with grilled cheese, Not Red Spaghetti Sauce with Angel Hair Pasta, Ground Beef Stroganoff, and Pitas and Hummus with Black Beans and Eggs.

My hobbies: Getting ready to make yogurt this week again - it's been awhile.  Finally started my online (self-paced) class on Photoshop last week.  I've learned a TON.  Made a "scuba diver" costume for Ira last night.  Turned out really cute and was very easy!

Bringing me joy: Got our letter from Pope Paul VI Institute today regarding our recurrent miscarriages.  They want to see us and run every test in the book (or so it seems.)  I am SO SO SO happy to finally be going somewhere with this all.  Seriously was a bawling mess when I got the letter.

Thinking about: Family drama, keeping my temper in check, being patient and LOVING even when it's REALLY hard.  How cruddy I've felt lately because of how out of whack my hormones are.  Heap. of. tears. All the time.

Picture to share: (which for now will be totally unedited, because I am still figuring out my workflow and I don't want that to keep me from sharing pictures.)

Andy & I at my Class Reunion a few weekends ago.