Down and out...

Yep - that's how I've felt lately - maybe it's the grey, cold weather - but I've just been sad lately. It mostly stems from our miscarriages I know, and I can't believe how sad I can still be over them. I am trying so hard to trust that God has a plan for all of this - but that doesn't make it any less heart-wrenching to go through. I know we are almost to the point of being ready to try again - but it scares me to death to think of being pregnant. And I can't help but worry that 6-7 weeks from whenever we get pregnant, we'll be disappointed and so utterly devastated again. So tragedy could strike when? My birthday? Memorial weekend? Our 4th anniversary? Over vacation? The 4th of July? That's just how I want to remember those events. It's just so hard to trust that there's even a chance that things can go right. And then I get to thinking of all my past sins, and I wonder why God would ever want to bless me with another healthy pregnancy. I am trying so hard to move on, but to what? Everyone else's lives seem to be progressing - people are getting engaged, getting married, having babies, having 2nd babies, etc... and where are we going? I've always wanted a big family - yet here we are - married almost 4 years with just one precious kiddo here on earth. I feel like we're in "the waiting place" that Dr. Seuss describes in "Oh The Places You'll Go." Just waiting... Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I love my husband and my son. I love where we live. I love the things that we do. I feel like we're in a pretty good place in our lives right now. But I am SO READY for more!! And not more trials (if you're reading this God) But more hope - more happiness - more fulfillment - more KIDS!! I feel like I can't truly "get over" our miscarriages until I'm holding another baby in my arms. And I know we could possibly adopt - but it makes me so sad to think about giving up pregnancy and childbirth and nursing. I feel like I'm having to give up all the things I've ever dreamed about. It is depressing to the core to think about giving up my dreams. (As I sit here editing this, I can even hear God saying - "But what about MY dreams for you." - But oh heavenly Father - sometimes it is so hard to surrender myself to You and let go of that control. - Hence the title of my blog.)

Ugh... I'm sorry to write such a depressing post - I've never blogged about our miscarriages before - but I can't not talk about it anymore or I feel like it will eat me alive - it is a huge part of who I am and how I look at things now. Thanks for letting me vent to you - and if nobody reads this - well, it feels good to get it out anyway.