Not even going to apologize for the 6 months it's been. It's my blog and I'm not very good at utilizing it. Don't want to play "catch-up" too much because, well, six months is a long time, but you'd also be really out of the loop if I just started in on life at this moment. So here are a few things that have happened since March:
- had a successful 2nd surgery with Dr. Hilgers. That man is just amazing. I love him and am so blessed to be his patient. We were blessed to stay with a beautiful couple while in Omaha. Our time with them was too short (just Monday evening and Wednesday evening really), but they took care of us like we were their own children and were such a blessing to us in our time of need. God bless you, Howells! My surgery was on Tuesday of Holy Week, was in the hospital until Wednesday, had an appointment on Thursday where I asked Dr. Hilgers if we could head home and he said "if you feel up to it!" So we drove home and were able to spend the Triduum as a family. Recovery was pretty doggone easy!
-decided to homeschool. (Which was very much a God thing, btw. More than anything, we felt God was calling us to pursue homeschooling this year. We've never had a decision that we had so many good reasons "not to" but kept feeling pulled by God back to it. Like "I know you don't want to do this and don't think you can, but I want you to." Really, how do you say no to God? I bet it never ends well when that happens...)
-got the go ahead to try to achieve pregnancy in June
-actually got pregnant our first cycle of trying!
-hosted an incredible concert with an amazing group of young Catholic artists from Nashville, TN. Their talent was top-notch and their faith was just beautiful. We were lucky enough to host them in our home that night and the next day for breakfast, Mass, and lunch. Words cannot really describe how blessed we have been by these artists and their friendship. Jimmy Mitchell, the head of Mysterium Records, is on a mission to take back culture through truth and beauty. If you would like to find out more or help reclaim the soundtrack of American culture, visit Love Good Music. If you become a patron (for just $10 a month!) you get a new CD from the best music across genres every month. Seriously, that's a sweet deal.
-found out that we would again be sending a baby to the arms of Jesus. Our hearts are broken. We were surprised for it to happen again after all we'd been through. It sort of seemed like we were starting over, being given a clean slate. But I wondered as the pregnancy progressed and my nausea did not. I tried to just offer my joys and sufferings to God throughout. I was able to handle this pregnancy and miscarriage so much better mentally than any of the others. I think a lot of that is the T3 that I'm on (do you know my average body temperature is actually 98.6 now?!) It has truly changed my life for the better. We're just resting in God's hands. He loves us so much.
-We don't know why this miscarriage happened. We don't know if it was the "sometimes, the first pregnancy after intervention unfortunately ends in miscarriage". Or it there is something more going on. We set up a phone consult with Dr. Hilgers last month. His next step would be to do genetic karyotyping on Andy and I. Karyotyping is very expensive and is usually not covered by insurance. With most doctors, karyotyping wouldn't tell you anything other than "yes/no - this is an issue" and "here's your % chance of successful pregnancy." Dr. Hilgers apparently does have some (a?) treatment he can do to overcome this issue. He is currently appealing to our insurance company to cover it. (Which, don't even get me started on why it is my insurance company gets to determine what is best for my care, not my doctor. GAHHHHH THE SYSTEM IS SO BROOOOOOOKKKEEEEENNNN!!!) We are still trying to discern what God wants us to do with that whole situation. Prayers are appreciated.
-We started homeschooling on August 19th. It's been great so far. Obviously there are ups and downs, but we feel very good about our decision.
So yeah, that's the major "highlights" of the last 6 months. I'll catch you up on each of us more in coming posts, but now you're more up to speed so when I talk about "homeschoooling this" and "Love Good Music that" you'll know what the heck I'm talking about.
Showing posts with label PPVI. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PPVI. Show all posts
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Journey to Omaha III: Answers
Now that Part II is up, I can finish Part III. If you haven't read Part I or Part II, read them first.
It has taken me awhile to be ready to blog about the answers, the long-awaited answers we received in Omaha. I wanted to wait until I could do right by that post. Although I've given many a brief synopsis of what we found out, I have yet to really tell the whole. long. story. Writing like that is daunting and requires time and inspiration for me to feel up to it. Those of you with littles know that those two things rarely strike simultaneously. Today though, Ira is on Spring Break and my wonderful in-laws invited both kiddos to spend the day and night at their house. After some quiet time and prayer, I'm feeling moved to share. I'll try to pick up where I left off in Journey to Omaha.
So when I last wrote, I was still up in Omaha waiting for that pesky follicle to rupture. When I went for my scan on Tuesday morning, the follicle was gone (which means it ruptured.) The sono tech said that she believed Dr. Hilgers would classify the build-up and ovulation as normal. Which was both a relief and a "huh what?" all at the same time. Obviously it is good any time tests come back normal. It is a sign of healthy function, which should be the goal of all medicine: to restore the body to proper and healthy function. But when you've had five miscarriages with no explanation, tests coming back as normal don't really help identify the problem. Normal results rule out problems, but they don't provide solutions. With relief and more questions than answers, I headed home on February 19th, a week and a day before my scheduled surgery date. Omaha was supposed to get hit with a blizzard on Thursday, so I was glad to get out ahead of the storm. The drive back was sunny and windy (seems like it was always windy when I drove to and from Omaha...) I picked up Ruby and made it back home just after Ira got out of school.
The weathermen were predicting heavy snow for our area that Wednesday (the 20th), but when we woke up, it wasn't snowing. Ruby and I went to morning Mass and as we left Mass, it was snowing pretty big flakes. I was supposed to go to my parents' house because my uncle was in town, but my tooth et al was really, really bothering me (the side of my face with the crown, my face, ear, head, and neck were so sore that Tylenol four times a day was not even making a difference.) I wasn't sure if it was all tooth-related or two separate issues (like maybe an ear infection?) so I thought I'd go to my regular doctor to see if he could make heads or tails of the problem. I was going to leave Ruby with my parents, but as we got closer to town, the snow got heavier and heavier. When we got to my parents' house, the radar looked ominous, so I just took Ruby with me, in case we needed to head home to avoid getting stranded. On the way to the appointment, I called home to check our messages to make sure that Ira's school hadn't called to cancel. They had. Ira would be getting out of school at the same time as my scheduled appointment, 11:00. Thankfully, I was able to get a hold of one of Andy's aunts who was able to pick Ira up from school and watch him so that I could go to my appointment. The roads were treacherous across town, but we made it to the appointment on time.
My beloved doctor, the doctor who helped us after our first three miscarriages and who helped us have our sweet Ruby (& who has studied under Dr. Hilgers) was excited to hear how things in Omaha were going and what we were finding out. He examined my face, head, neck, throat, ears, and said he really thought that the tooth was causing all of the other problems. He wanted to prescribe an antibiotic (because he really thought the tooth was infected) but when I asked him if that would mess with the uterine cultures that Dr. Hilgers wanted to do during surgery the next week, he said it very well could. He advised me to call my dentist and said if I still needed antibiotics when I got back to call him. He prescribed some pain medicine as well, so Ruby and I stopped on the way home to pick that up. I also called the dentist. He said it definitely sounded like I needed a root canal. His office was able to schedule one with an endodontist (is that right?) for Monday the 25th (the day before we'd leave for Omaha again.) The snow was tapering off and it wasn't very cold out, so after I picked Ira up, the kids went out and played in the snow. That ended pretty abruptly when Ira whacked Ruby right under the eye with a metal shovel (it was a sincere accident.) Neither was really in the mood to play in the snow after that, though. Ruby had a nice shiner for weeks. Andy made it home from work without any trouble later in the afternoon. Ira's school called that evening to cancel for the next day (as more snow was predicted.) Hooray for a snow day!
The next morning (Thursday the 21st) we awoke to tons of snow and it was still snowing. Andy said he would try to get to the highway to see if he could make it to work. He came back inside after 5 minutes because he couldn't even get his truck out of the driveway! We had a fun day at home as a family. Andy and Ira spent the afternoon digging out our driveway and a path to the road. Ira's school called again that evening to cancel for Friday.
Friday morning, Andy was able to make it to work (the 50 minute drive took him 2+ hours.) Crews spent the day clearing the roads, and by the time Andy headed home, the roads weren't too bad at all (except for the big highway from town, someone dropped the ball on that one completely!) As soon as Andy got home, we turned around to take my rental car back. We made it just minutes before the rental company closed, thank goodness! Andy's parent's called to see if we wanted to go to our Parish's Fish Fry for dinner, so we headed home to meet them there. Apparently everyone else was as tired of being cooped up as we were, because the Fish Fry was packed. It was good to catch up with people from our parish and fill them in on what we had found out so far. When we were watching the news that night, the weathermen were predicting another big snowstorm to hit Monday (we were supposed to leave early early Tuesday morning to go back to Omaha.) We talked about maybe leaving early to get out ahead of the storm, but decided the root canal was pretty important, so if things were looking bad, we would leave immediately after the root canal and drive all night if need be.
Saturday we took the kids sledding at the spot to sled in town. Andy & I had never sledded there either. There was a bit of a miscommunication about who was grabbing my coveralls, and we ended up in town without them. I had a major meltdown/fit. Not one of my finer moments at all. (Sorry, honey.) It took Andy threatening to pack us all up and go back home for me to shut up and calm down. (I really wanted the kids to get to go sledding.) We ended up having a great time and the missing coveralls were scarcely missed. We sledded until Ruby and I were fuh-reezing, then ran a few errands, went to dinner, and got home in time to put the kids to bed. While Andy was putting the kids to bed, I got online to check what the forecasters were saying about Monday's storm. It hit me like a ton of bricks that they could close the highways and we would not physically be able to get to Omaha on Monday or Tuesday. When Andy came out from putting the kids to bed, we decided that it would probably be smartest to leave on Sunday after Mass to get out ahead of the storm. We had not come this far to miss our appointments and surgery because of a stupid snowstorm. Initially, we planned to have Ira go to Andy's parents and Ruby go to my parents on Sunday, that way Andy's parents could take Ira to school (if they had it) on Monday. I was pretty unsettled about that because Ruby did alright, but not great with me being gone the last time. I was very nervous how she would handle both Andy & I being gone and being separated from Ira, so we made the decision that both of the kids would go to my parents' house, and we would hope for the best as far as getting Ira to school. I would have to miss my root canal, but again, the appointments and surgery were far more important to us.
It was a hassle picking up the rental car on Sunday (most of the locations were closed) and we had to drive way out east to get it, but we finally got everything transferred over and the kids settled in at my parents' before getting on the road around 3:30. The drive there was uneventful, although we could see clouds to the west. Ira's school called in the evening to cancel for Monday in anticipation of the blizzard. We ate dinner at the I-80 junction, and when we came out from dinner it was snowing. Luckily the storm was moving slow enough that after 30 minutes of driving we were out of it and made it to Omaha with nary a problem.
With no appointments on Monday, we went to Mass at the Cathedral, ate a great lunch at Petrow's, and went shopping for Ruby's birthday present. It was a really nice day together. We kept in touch with my parents who said the blizzard was slow in arriving (didn't really start in earnest until Monday afternoon/evening.) Ira's school called again in the evening to cancel school for Tuesday.
Tuesday morning we got up and around and went to lunch at The Old Mattress Factory in downtown Omaha (again, great food!) I had pre-op blood work and a meeting with the anesthesiologist (wow I'm totally geeking out because I spelled that right without spell-check) at Creighton University Medical Center where my surgery would be the next day. The whole surgery thing became very real when we walked into the hospital. A laparoscopy is a pretty common procedure, but it is surgery, nonetheless. We had just enough time after our appointment to go back to the hotel and pray a rosary before heading to my pre-op consult with Dr. Hilgers.
When we got to the Institute, I think Andy had that same moment of "wow, this is really the place" as I did upon first seeing it. I had to slow my pace to walk with him so that we could bask in the moment together. The receptionist let us know that Dr. Hilgers was still at CUMC finishing up surgeries, so he would be a little late for our appointment. We spent time in the waiting room looking through the "miracle albums" - photos of all the babies Dr. Hilgers has helped into this world over the last 25+ years. Before long, the nurse called us back. Dr. Parker, a doctor doing a fellowship under Dr. Hilgers, did a complete head-to-toe physical examination and asked about three bazillion questions to get a thorough and accurate picture of my health and background. He left the room and I redressed and went to the bathroom (a door right off the exam room.) When I was in the bathroom, I thought I heard someone come in, and sure enough, when I opened the door, there was Dr. Hilgers, smiling and approachable, sitting at the consult table chatting with Andy.
He warmly shook my hand as I sat down, and proceeded to go through all the tests that we had done up to that point. He admitted that my NFP charts looked crazy, exhibiting a myriad of problems: long cycles, tail end brown bleeding, continuous mucus, and mid and end of cycle spotting, but he also concurred with the sono techs about the normal ovulation. He acknowledged that the sono techs had identified potentially Poly Cystic Ovaries. He went through the hormone panel that I had completed in December, saying estrogen and progesterone levels were pretty much right where they needed to be. He speculated about endometriosis, as their research has revealed that 85% (!!) of women with recurrent miscarriages have endometriosis. And he closed by saying that he was pretty sure that the surgery the next day would tell us a lot.
Now, I wish I could tell you that I left the appointment positive, reassured, and confident that this whole crazy journey had been worth it. In reality, I was defeated, depressed, and doubtful (this was before I was seeing improvements with the TSD, btw.) What I got out of the appointment was this: "We still have no answers for you, everything looks pretty much as it should except for your whacked out NFP charts." Seriously?! But Andy, my eternally, incredibly, always-seeing-the-best-in-every-situation, husband got something entirely different out of the appointment: we will know a lot more tomorrow. I called my best friend who said, "even if you don't get the answers you were seeking, you will have peace of mind that you've done everything you could." So true, but a tough pill to swallow nonetheless. I painted my toenails and completed all my surgery prep (enema, shower, anti-bac scrub down that left me terribly itchy) and tried to go to sleep.
We got to the hospital shortly before 8:30 for surgery scheduled at 10:30. I got into the hospital gown, put ted hose on (anti-embolism precaution), took my contacts out, and tried not to worry (and luckily I guess?, because of my itchy reaction, did not have to go through the anti-bac scrub down again.) The nurse started an IV. Andy was allowed to come back when I was finally settled (around 9:30 am) While we waited for surgery about three bazillion people came into my pre-op room to check on me: my nurse, an anesthesia resident, the anesthesiologist (who had a French accent and was so difficult to understand... as he was leaving he asked what my "het" and "wet" were... it took me forever to realize he was saying "height" and "weight"), Dr. Hilgers, followed by Dr. Parker (it was funny when he walked in because I recognized him but couldn't place him at all until I saw his badge) and the nurse a couple more times. The time passed rather quickly and it wasn't long before the French anesthesiologist was in giving me some stuff prior to the nurse wheeling me to the OR. The last thing I remember was the nurse saying, "The anesthesiologist gave you quite the cocktail".....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
And then I woke up in the recovery room. Sick. Feeling so nauseous. There was a nurse there when I woke up and she asked how I felt. I said "nauseous" and she said they'd already given me 2 (or 3?) medications (apparently I had been "awake" (and able to convey how I felt) prior to that, but I have no recollection of that (which is so weird to me, but whatever) but that she would page the doctor. I fell back asleep and woke up again when she came in again saying she was going to give me some Phenergan. I gagged and threw up. She was standing on my right side waiting for me to roll over and I guess I thought the Phenergan would go in my IV or something (she probably told me exactly what she was going to do, and what I needed to do but again, I was pretty groggy...) (Again, I'm guessing) she asked me to roll over on my left side. When I realized (as the needle went in) that she was giving me a shot in the butt, I tried to relax as I had with the progesterone shots. (Apparently I didn't do too good of a job as I can still feel where she gave me the shot.) She asked me if I thought I'd be able to go home (well the hotel, whatever) that day or if I needed to stay at the hospital. I said, "I'd sure like to." I fell back asleep and when I woke up, I felt a lot better. As I waited for them to transfer me to the post-op room (where I could finally see Andy) I remember wanting to know what (if anything) they had found.
I waited (sleeping on and off) for what seemed like forever for Andy to get to the post-op room. When he got there I immediately asked if they'd found anything. Sure enough, Dr. Hilgers had found endometriosis and uterine polyps. I cried. Out of relief. Out of joy. Over answers. We finally had something that wasn't right. One of the times I woke up, I realized I had a wooden rosary taped to my right hand (carefully with the crucifix in the palm.) The nurse had asked prior to surgery if I was Catholic and if I wanted a rosary from Dr. Hilgers. She said that he takes the rosaries to the Vatican when he goes and has them blessed by the pope. I had no idea it would go with me to recovery. How beautiful.
Now, to be frank, to be dismissed from the hospital, they needed me to pee, so they really pushed the IV fluids. I slept a lot. They had an ice pack on my stomach. I finally woke up around 3:30 and needed to pee. The nurse walked me to the bathroom (yeah, up and walking 4 hours post surgery.) I still felt pretty groggy, but I knew I'd be more comfortable back at the hotel, so they proceeded with dismissal instructions and I got back into my own clothes and we left (the hospital has free valet parking, how cool is that?! Andy went down ahead of me to request the car and when I got down there, the car was already waiting.)
That afternoon and evening (and night) was hard. When they do the laparoscopy, they pump your abdomen full of carbon dioxide gas so that they can work around the organs. Despite removing what they can, some gas remains behind, and can cause pain (shoulder pain in particular), which I was aware of. I was not aware of how bad it would hurt. It was the weirdest pain and difficult to describe, but I'll do my best. First off, I was so bloated. My stomach was huge and I couldn't "suck it in" for the life of me (not that I really tried, but it was awkwardly distended.) Secondly, whenever I moved, the air in my stomach did what air does - it follows the laws of gravity. So it would rush (with callous disregard for my organs) to the highest point. That meant if I laid on my left side, the air rose to the right side. If I sat up, or stood up and walked around (which I tried to do when I could, as it's supposed to help) the air rose to the top of my abdomen, causing pain in my right shoulder, and pushing on my lungs, making it excruciating to take even a shallow breath. Using my vast experience with the laws of gravity, I devised that if I laid on the bed with my head on the pillow and my butt up in the air, the gas would "rise" to my butt and take the pressure off of my lungs. Pretty, huh? It worked. The gas wasn't comfortable down (up?) there either, but it was better than when I could hardly breathe. So I would cycle through all these positions: butt up in the air, slowly trying to lay down (to avoid the rush of air bubbles with callous disregard for my poor innards), laying on one side, the other, sitting up, getting up and walking around. The pain was sharp and seriously took my breath away when I would change positions (there is seriously nothing like the feeling of having your tender guts pushed all over the place.) I would rather go through childbirth. Contractions were nothing compared to that.
Hours went by like that and finally sometime after 2:30 am, I fell asleep. I don't even know what time we woke up that next morning. We had a post-op consultation with Dr. Hilgers at 11:00, so we were up and out of the hotel sometime prior to that.
The pain that morning was a little more manageable, or maybe it was just the fact that I was excited to meet with Dr. Hilgers again.
He came in the room and said, "Well, we got answers!" He showed/talked through the video of my hysteroscopy and laparoscopy. He pointed out the polyps (which he also removed) and showed us how the lining of my uterus was very inflamed. He called it "chronic endometritis" and said it was an indicator of infection and made the uterus a very hostile environment for a pregnancy. He had taken uterine cultures, and told us that the cultures only turn up positive for known infections 20% of the time, but he also told us that antibiotics take care of the infection (of known or unknown origin) 70% of the time. He voiced his frustration with the IVF-oriented culture of obstetrics, saying that they (the obstetrics field, NOT PPVI Institute) have been researching IVF improvements since the 60s (i think?) and have scarcely improved their success rates. I said, "we're grateful that you're researching things," to which he responded, "Thank you, but I just wish that someone else would help me out. Even just one other person." He continued on with the video, revealing very enlarged ovaries (consistent with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome - PCOS) and a handful of spots of endometriosis. As the video finished up, he said "now let's devise a plan."
The polyps were what were causing the mid/end-of-cycle spotting. The chronic endometritis for me, causes the tail end brown bleeding (whose presence or absence will let us know if the infection is under control.) It can be treated with antibiotics. He gave Andy & I both a prescription for Biaxin, (reminiscent of the prescription for Doxycycline Dr. Ferris gave Andy & I both, speculating about infection, before our successful pregnancy with Ruby. Interesting.) and said that he wanted me to look into eating an anti-inflammatory diet. He said I had cervical eversion, which was probably causing the continuous mucus, which he treated with cervical ablation (cauterization) at the time of the hysteroscopy. He went through my bloodwork results again, noting that the FSH and LH levels were reversed and my androgen and testosterone levels were off (which were highlighted in the results they sent me in January, but which he didn't really talk about much during our pre-op appointment, sly dog did I really just refer to Dr. Hilgers as a sly dog?) which is indicative of PCOS (as are the enlarged ovaries and the long cycles) and said the treatment for that is an ovarian wedge resection. An ovarian wedge resection is a surgical procedure in which they cut a wedge (a "v" shape) out of the middle of the oval-shaped ovaries, then close the "v" up to make a more circular, normal ovary. He said the procedure should correct the hormone levels. During that procedure (robotic assisted surgery) they would also remove the endometriosis. He summed his findings up by saying that I had three known causes of miscarriage: endometritis, endometriosis, and PCOS, and said that following treatment he would give us an 80% chance of successful pregnancy. EIGHTY PERCENT!!!!!!
Holy answers, batman!
Now he did say that sometimes (for whatever reason, again they're continually researching), the first pregnancy following intervention ends in miscarriage. And he acknowledged that that is a lot to go through after all that we've been through already. But he assured us that many of his patients (even that miscarry after intervention) go on to have successful successive pregnancies.
After asking if we had any questions (we had just a few) he shook our hands and took us to the woman that does his surgery scheduling, Cheryl, saying that it might be 2-3 months before I could get in for surgery. When we sat down however, Cheryl excitedly told us that there was a date at the end of March that they had had trouble filling (probably partly due to the fact that it's during Holy Week) that was available for my surgery if we wanted it. She tentatively penciled us in (until we could check with Andy's work and my mom) for March 26th. She also told us to ease into the anti-inflammatory diet as it is very overwhelming all at once (essentially, no processed grains, lots of fruits and vegetables, lean meats, little dairy.)
When we called my mom after the appointment she immediately said to take the date. Andy's employer didn't have a problem with it either, so we made the appointment for robotic assisted surgery on March 26th with hopes that we will be able to travel home on Good Friday (Cheryl assured me that it would definitely be a "Good Friday" as I would have plenty of suffering to unite with Christ's.)
We were able to travel home from Omaha on Friday, March 1st. The gas pain persisted until Saturday afternoon, when I finally turned the corner and it became less painful. That night, while at my sister's house, I entertained she and Damien (and Andy) with rolling from side to side on the floor so that they could hear the gas bubbling from side to side (again, going to the highest point.) I had no idea I'd be in maternity pants so soon after going to Omaha. lol. I had to wear them (because I was tired of living in yoga pants) until the following Friday because my stomach was still so bloated that I couldn't even zip my regular pants. The two incisions are healing beautifully (not that that really matters much, but they are.) The one at my belly button (the bigger one) looks like just another wrinkle in my belly button and the lower, smaller one looks like an ingrown hair at best. I guess I tell you that just because I am amazed at the finesse of such a skilled surgeon.
Wow. Just wow. Even a month later, I am still coming to terms with this new reality. This reality filled with hope. It's strange after so long of being completely in the dark (as to the cause of our miscarriages) what it feels like to bask in the light of answers. I can hardly describe the love that I feel for Dr. Hilgers. That there is a doctor out there, going so against the grain of the world, to bring healing and hope to women. Not just artificially propping up their bodies to support a pregnancy, but actually getting to the root of the problem and healing them. That can only come from working in harmony with The Creator. Praise God for this man! I am also overcome with gratitude to God for the beauty that has come from such pain. The story God is writing through me never ceases to amaze and surprise me. Now that we have answers, God working through the fallenness of this world to bring about good is so obvious to me. I only wish I could say that my faith in His hand working for good through it all never faltered. Sometimes (on the good days) I could cling to the hope that God was working through it all. But on those dark days, I could only (and barely) cling to Andy who was clinging to God through it all. Praise God for my faithful, holy husband.
So there you have it. Far from the final chapter of our story, but definitely a big moment in it. We are faithfully taking our antibiotics twice a day. (I have nine alarms set on my phone right now: 2 per day for antibiotics, 2 per day for the T3 (has to be taken twelve hours-to the minute- apart, can't eat 2 hours before or one hour after taking, 4 per day for taking my temps and pulses to track for the TSD, and 1 to wake up each morning. ) We are slowly adjusting our diets to align them more with an anti-inflammatory way of eating (pounds and pounds of fruits and vegetables are getting eaten in this house each week.) And we are scheduled to go back to Omaha next week for surgery.
If you would, please keep us in your prayers this coming Holiest of Weeks. Pray for safe travels. Pray for a successful surgery with no complications. Pray for a speedy recovery. Pray that we can make it home for Easter with our children. Even more so, pray for Dr. Hilgers. Pray for God to give strength and encouragement and help to this holy servant. Pray for NaPro Technology to be more widely recognized, studied, and accessible. Pray for the field of obstetrics. Pray for the millions of other couples struggling to live their lives through the pain of infertility and/or miscarriage.
I'll leave you with the lyrics to one of my favorite hymns. Seriously, I get teary singing it every. time.
God bless.
If these topics interest you, you might find the following links helpful:
http://www.popepaulvi.com/
http://www.drhilgers.com/
And and in depth look at the role of infections in infertility/miscarriage by Dr. Attila Toth:
http://www.fertilitysolution.com/Fertile-vs-Infertile-Book.pdf?page_mode=OPEN
It has taken me awhile to be ready to blog about the answers, the long-awaited answers we received in Omaha. I wanted to wait until I could do right by that post. Although I've given many a brief synopsis of what we found out, I have yet to really tell the whole. long. story. Writing like that is daunting and requires time and inspiration for me to feel up to it. Those of you with littles know that those two things rarely strike simultaneously. Today though, Ira is on Spring Break and my wonderful in-laws invited both kiddos to spend the day and night at their house. After some quiet time and prayer, I'm feeling moved to share. I'll try to pick up where I left off in Journey to Omaha.
So when I last wrote, I was still up in Omaha waiting for that pesky follicle to rupture. When I went for my scan on Tuesday morning, the follicle was gone (which means it ruptured.) The sono tech said that she believed Dr. Hilgers would classify the build-up and ovulation as normal. Which was both a relief and a "huh what?" all at the same time. Obviously it is good any time tests come back normal. It is a sign of healthy function, which should be the goal of all medicine: to restore the body to proper and healthy function. But when you've had five miscarriages with no explanation, tests coming back as normal don't really help identify the problem. Normal results rule out problems, but they don't provide solutions. With relief and more questions than answers, I headed home on February 19th, a week and a day before my scheduled surgery date. Omaha was supposed to get hit with a blizzard on Thursday, so I was glad to get out ahead of the storm. The drive back was sunny and windy (seems like it was always windy when I drove to and from Omaha...) I picked up Ruby and made it back home just after Ira got out of school.
The weathermen were predicting heavy snow for our area that Wednesday (the 20th), but when we woke up, it wasn't snowing. Ruby and I went to morning Mass and as we left Mass, it was snowing pretty big flakes. I was supposed to go to my parents' house because my uncle was in town, but my tooth et al was really, really bothering me (the side of my face with the crown, my face, ear, head, and neck were so sore that Tylenol four times a day was not even making a difference.) I wasn't sure if it was all tooth-related or two separate issues (like maybe an ear infection?) so I thought I'd go to my regular doctor to see if he could make heads or tails of the problem. I was going to leave Ruby with my parents, but as we got closer to town, the snow got heavier and heavier. When we got to my parents' house, the radar looked ominous, so I just took Ruby with me, in case we needed to head home to avoid getting stranded. On the way to the appointment, I called home to check our messages to make sure that Ira's school hadn't called to cancel. They had. Ira would be getting out of school at the same time as my scheduled appointment, 11:00. Thankfully, I was able to get a hold of one of Andy's aunts who was able to pick Ira up from school and watch him so that I could go to my appointment. The roads were treacherous across town, but we made it to the appointment on time.
My beloved doctor, the doctor who helped us after our first three miscarriages and who helped us have our sweet Ruby (& who has studied under Dr. Hilgers) was excited to hear how things in Omaha were going and what we were finding out. He examined my face, head, neck, throat, ears, and said he really thought that the tooth was causing all of the other problems. He wanted to prescribe an antibiotic (because he really thought the tooth was infected) but when I asked him if that would mess with the uterine cultures that Dr. Hilgers wanted to do during surgery the next week, he said it very well could. He advised me to call my dentist and said if I still needed antibiotics when I got back to call him. He prescribed some pain medicine as well, so Ruby and I stopped on the way home to pick that up. I also called the dentist. He said it definitely sounded like I needed a root canal. His office was able to schedule one with an endodontist (is that right?) for Monday the 25th (the day before we'd leave for Omaha again.) The snow was tapering off and it wasn't very cold out, so after I picked Ira up, the kids went out and played in the snow. That ended pretty abruptly when Ira whacked Ruby right under the eye with a metal shovel (it was a sincere accident.) Neither was really in the mood to play in the snow after that, though. Ruby had a nice shiner for weeks. Andy made it home from work without any trouble later in the afternoon. Ira's school called that evening to cancel for the next day (as more snow was predicted.) Hooray for a snow day!
The next morning (Thursday the 21st) we awoke to tons of snow and it was still snowing. Andy said he would try to get to the highway to see if he could make it to work. He came back inside after 5 minutes because he couldn't even get his truck out of the driveway! We had a fun day at home as a family. Andy and Ira spent the afternoon digging out our driveway and a path to the road. Ira's school called again that evening to cancel for Friday.
Friday morning, Andy was able to make it to work (the 50 minute drive took him 2+ hours.) Crews spent the day clearing the roads, and by the time Andy headed home, the roads weren't too bad at all (except for the big highway from town, someone dropped the ball on that one completely!) As soon as Andy got home, we turned around to take my rental car back. We made it just minutes before the rental company closed, thank goodness! Andy's parent's called to see if we wanted to go to our Parish's Fish Fry for dinner, so we headed home to meet them there. Apparently everyone else was as tired of being cooped up as we were, because the Fish Fry was packed. It was good to catch up with people from our parish and fill them in on what we had found out so far. When we were watching the news that night, the weathermen were predicting another big snowstorm to hit Monday (we were supposed to leave early early Tuesday morning to go back to Omaha.) We talked about maybe leaving early to get out ahead of the storm, but decided the root canal was pretty important, so if things were looking bad, we would leave immediately after the root canal and drive all night if need be.
Saturday we took the kids sledding at the spot to sled in town. Andy & I had never sledded there either. There was a bit of a miscommunication about who was grabbing my coveralls, and we ended up in town without them. I had a major meltdown/fit. Not one of my finer moments at all. (Sorry, honey.) It took Andy threatening to pack us all up and go back home for me to shut up and calm down. (I really wanted the kids to get to go sledding.) We ended up having a great time and the missing coveralls were scarcely missed. We sledded until Ruby and I were fuh-reezing, then ran a few errands, went to dinner, and got home in time to put the kids to bed. While Andy was putting the kids to bed, I got online to check what the forecasters were saying about Monday's storm. It hit me like a ton of bricks that they could close the highways and we would not physically be able to get to Omaha on Monday or Tuesday. When Andy came out from putting the kids to bed, we decided that it would probably be smartest to leave on Sunday after Mass to get out ahead of the storm. We had not come this far to miss our appointments and surgery because of a stupid snowstorm. Initially, we planned to have Ira go to Andy's parents and Ruby go to my parents on Sunday, that way Andy's parents could take Ira to school (if they had it) on Monday. I was pretty unsettled about that because Ruby did alright, but not great with me being gone the last time. I was very nervous how she would handle both Andy & I being gone and being separated from Ira, so we made the decision that both of the kids would go to my parents' house, and we would hope for the best as far as getting Ira to school. I would have to miss my root canal, but again, the appointments and surgery were far more important to us.
It was a hassle picking up the rental car on Sunday (most of the locations were closed) and we had to drive way out east to get it, but we finally got everything transferred over and the kids settled in at my parents' before getting on the road around 3:30. The drive there was uneventful, although we could see clouds to the west. Ira's school called in the evening to cancel for Monday in anticipation of the blizzard. We ate dinner at the I-80 junction, and when we came out from dinner it was snowing. Luckily the storm was moving slow enough that after 30 minutes of driving we were out of it and made it to Omaha with nary a problem.
With no appointments on Monday, we went to Mass at the Cathedral, ate a great lunch at Petrow's, and went shopping for Ruby's birthday present. It was a really nice day together. We kept in touch with my parents who said the blizzard was slow in arriving (didn't really start in earnest until Monday afternoon/evening.) Ira's school called again in the evening to cancel school for Tuesday.
Tuesday morning we got up and around and went to lunch at The Old Mattress Factory in downtown Omaha (again, great food!) I had pre-op blood work and a meeting with the anesthesiologist (wow I'm totally geeking out because I spelled that right without spell-check) at Creighton University Medical Center where my surgery would be the next day. The whole surgery thing became very real when we walked into the hospital. A laparoscopy is a pretty common procedure, but it is surgery, nonetheless. We had just enough time after our appointment to go back to the hotel and pray a rosary before heading to my pre-op consult with Dr. Hilgers.
When we got to the Institute, I think Andy had that same moment of "wow, this is really the place" as I did upon first seeing it. I had to slow my pace to walk with him so that we could bask in the moment together. The receptionist let us know that Dr. Hilgers was still at CUMC finishing up surgeries, so he would be a little late for our appointment. We spent time in the waiting room looking through the "miracle albums" - photos of all the babies Dr. Hilgers has helped into this world over the last 25+ years. Before long, the nurse called us back. Dr. Parker, a doctor doing a fellowship under Dr. Hilgers, did a complete head-to-toe physical examination and asked about three bazillion questions to get a thorough and accurate picture of my health and background. He left the room and I redressed and went to the bathroom (a door right off the exam room.) When I was in the bathroom, I thought I heard someone come in, and sure enough, when I opened the door, there was Dr. Hilgers, smiling and approachable, sitting at the consult table chatting with Andy.
He warmly shook my hand as I sat down, and proceeded to go through all the tests that we had done up to that point. He admitted that my NFP charts looked crazy, exhibiting a myriad of problems: long cycles, tail end brown bleeding, continuous mucus, and mid and end of cycle spotting, but he also concurred with the sono techs about the normal ovulation. He acknowledged that the sono techs had identified potentially Poly Cystic Ovaries. He went through the hormone panel that I had completed in December, saying estrogen and progesterone levels were pretty much right where they needed to be. He speculated about endometriosis, as their research has revealed that 85% (!!) of women with recurrent miscarriages have endometriosis. And he closed by saying that he was pretty sure that the surgery the next day would tell us a lot.
Now, I wish I could tell you that I left the appointment positive, reassured, and confident that this whole crazy journey had been worth it. In reality, I was defeated, depressed, and doubtful (this was before I was seeing improvements with the TSD, btw.) What I got out of the appointment was this: "We still have no answers for you, everything looks pretty much as it should except for your whacked out NFP charts." Seriously?! But Andy, my eternally, incredibly, always-seeing-the-best-in-every-situation, husband got something entirely different out of the appointment: we will know a lot more tomorrow. I called my best friend who said, "even if you don't get the answers you were seeking, you will have peace of mind that you've done everything you could." So true, but a tough pill to swallow nonetheless. I painted my toenails and completed all my surgery prep (enema, shower, anti-bac scrub down that left me terribly itchy) and tried to go to sleep.
We got to the hospital shortly before 8:30 for surgery scheduled at 10:30. I got into the hospital gown, put ted hose on (anti-embolism precaution), took my contacts out, and tried not to worry (and luckily I guess?, because of my itchy reaction, did not have to go through the anti-bac scrub down again.) The nurse started an IV. Andy was allowed to come back when I was finally settled (around 9:30 am) While we waited for surgery about three bazillion people came into my pre-op room to check on me: my nurse, an anesthesia resident, the anesthesiologist (who had a French accent and was so difficult to understand... as he was leaving he asked what my "het" and "wet" were... it took me forever to realize he was saying "height" and "weight"), Dr. Hilgers, followed by Dr. Parker (it was funny when he walked in because I recognized him but couldn't place him at all until I saw his badge) and the nurse a couple more times. The time passed rather quickly and it wasn't long before the French anesthesiologist was in giving me some stuff prior to the nurse wheeling me to the OR. The last thing I remember was the nurse saying, "The anesthesiologist gave you quite the cocktail".....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
And then I woke up in the recovery room. Sick. Feeling so nauseous. There was a nurse there when I woke up and she asked how I felt. I said "nauseous" and she said they'd already given me 2 (or 3?) medications (apparently I had been "awake" (and able to convey how I felt) prior to that, but I have no recollection of that (which is so weird to me, but whatever) but that she would page the doctor. I fell back asleep and woke up again when she came in again saying she was going to give me some Phenergan. I gagged and threw up. She was standing on my right side waiting for me to roll over and I guess I thought the Phenergan would go in my IV or something (she probably told me exactly what she was going to do, and what I needed to do but again, I was pretty groggy...) (Again, I'm guessing) she asked me to roll over on my left side. When I realized (as the needle went in) that she was giving me a shot in the butt, I tried to relax as I had with the progesterone shots. (Apparently I didn't do too good of a job as I can still feel where she gave me the shot.) She asked me if I thought I'd be able to go home (well the hotel, whatever) that day or if I needed to stay at the hospital. I said, "I'd sure like to." I fell back asleep and when I woke up, I felt a lot better. As I waited for them to transfer me to the post-op room (where I could finally see Andy) I remember wanting to know what (if anything) they had found.
I waited (sleeping on and off) for what seemed like forever for Andy to get to the post-op room. When he got there I immediately asked if they'd found anything. Sure enough, Dr. Hilgers had found endometriosis and uterine polyps. I cried. Out of relief. Out of joy. Over answers. We finally had something that wasn't right. One of the times I woke up, I realized I had a wooden rosary taped to my right hand (carefully with the crucifix in the palm.) The nurse had asked prior to surgery if I was Catholic and if I wanted a rosary from Dr. Hilgers. She said that he takes the rosaries to the Vatican when he goes and has them blessed by the pope. I had no idea it would go with me to recovery. How beautiful.
Now, to be frank, to be dismissed from the hospital, they needed me to pee, so they really pushed the IV fluids. I slept a lot. They had an ice pack on my stomach. I finally woke up around 3:30 and needed to pee. The nurse walked me to the bathroom (yeah, up and walking 4 hours post surgery.) I still felt pretty groggy, but I knew I'd be more comfortable back at the hotel, so they proceeded with dismissal instructions and I got back into my own clothes and we left (the hospital has free valet parking, how cool is that?! Andy went down ahead of me to request the car and when I got down there, the car was already waiting.)
That afternoon and evening (and night) was hard. When they do the laparoscopy, they pump your abdomen full of carbon dioxide gas so that they can work around the organs. Despite removing what they can, some gas remains behind, and can cause pain (shoulder pain in particular), which I was aware of. I was not aware of how bad it would hurt. It was the weirdest pain and difficult to describe, but I'll do my best. First off, I was so bloated. My stomach was huge and I couldn't "suck it in" for the life of me (not that I really tried, but it was awkwardly distended.) Secondly, whenever I moved, the air in my stomach did what air does - it follows the laws of gravity. So it would rush (with callous disregard for my organs) to the highest point. That meant if I laid on my left side, the air rose to the right side. If I sat up, or stood up and walked around (which I tried to do when I could, as it's supposed to help) the air rose to the top of my abdomen, causing pain in my right shoulder, and pushing on my lungs, making it excruciating to take even a shallow breath. Using my vast experience with the laws of gravity, I devised that if I laid on the bed with my head on the pillow and my butt up in the air, the gas would "rise" to my butt and take the pressure off of my lungs. Pretty, huh? It worked. The gas wasn't comfortable down (up?) there either, but it was better than when I could hardly breathe. So I would cycle through all these positions: butt up in the air, slowly trying to lay down (to avoid the rush of air bubbles with callous disregard for my poor innards), laying on one side, the other, sitting up, getting up and walking around. The pain was sharp and seriously took my breath away when I would change positions (there is seriously nothing like the feeling of having your tender guts pushed all over the place.) I would rather go through childbirth. Contractions were nothing compared to that.
Hours went by like that and finally sometime after 2:30 am, I fell asleep. I don't even know what time we woke up that next morning. We had a post-op consultation with Dr. Hilgers at 11:00, so we were up and out of the hotel sometime prior to that.
The pain that morning was a little more manageable, or maybe it was just the fact that I was excited to meet with Dr. Hilgers again.
He came in the room and said, "Well, we got answers!" He showed/talked through the video of my hysteroscopy and laparoscopy. He pointed out the polyps (which he also removed) and showed us how the lining of my uterus was very inflamed. He called it "chronic endometritis" and said it was an indicator of infection and made the uterus a very hostile environment for a pregnancy. He had taken uterine cultures, and told us that the cultures only turn up positive for known infections 20% of the time, but he also told us that antibiotics take care of the infection (of known or unknown origin) 70% of the time. He voiced his frustration with the IVF-oriented culture of obstetrics, saying that they (the obstetrics field, NOT PPVI Institute) have been researching IVF improvements since the 60s (i think?) and have scarcely improved their success rates. I said, "we're grateful that you're researching things," to which he responded, "Thank you, but I just wish that someone else would help me out. Even just one other person." He continued on with the video, revealing very enlarged ovaries (consistent with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome - PCOS) and a handful of spots of endometriosis. As the video finished up, he said "now let's devise a plan."
The polyps were what were causing the mid/end-of-cycle spotting. The chronic endometritis for me, causes the tail end brown bleeding (whose presence or absence will let us know if the infection is under control.) It can be treated with antibiotics. He gave Andy & I both a prescription for Biaxin, (reminiscent of the prescription for Doxycycline Dr. Ferris gave Andy & I both, speculating about infection, before our successful pregnancy with Ruby. Interesting.) and said that he wanted me to look into eating an anti-inflammatory diet. He said I had cervical eversion, which was probably causing the continuous mucus, which he treated with cervical ablation (cauterization) at the time of the hysteroscopy. He went through my bloodwork results again, noting that the FSH and LH levels were reversed and my androgen and testosterone levels were off (which were highlighted in the results they sent me in January, but which he didn't really talk about much during our pre-op appointment, sly dog did I really just refer to Dr. Hilgers as a sly dog?) which is indicative of PCOS (as are the enlarged ovaries and the long cycles) and said the treatment for that is an ovarian wedge resection. An ovarian wedge resection is a surgical procedure in which they cut a wedge (a "v" shape) out of the middle of the oval-shaped ovaries, then close the "v" up to make a more circular, normal ovary. He said the procedure should correct the hormone levels. During that procedure (robotic assisted surgery) they would also remove the endometriosis. He summed his findings up by saying that I had three known causes of miscarriage: endometritis, endometriosis, and PCOS, and said that following treatment he would give us an 80% chance of successful pregnancy. EIGHTY PERCENT!!!!!!
Holy answers, batman!
Now he did say that sometimes (for whatever reason, again they're continually researching), the first pregnancy following intervention ends in miscarriage. And he acknowledged that that is a lot to go through after all that we've been through already. But he assured us that many of his patients (even that miscarry after intervention) go on to have successful successive pregnancies.
After asking if we had any questions (we had just a few) he shook our hands and took us to the woman that does his surgery scheduling, Cheryl, saying that it might be 2-3 months before I could get in for surgery. When we sat down however, Cheryl excitedly told us that there was a date at the end of March that they had had trouble filling (probably partly due to the fact that it's during Holy Week) that was available for my surgery if we wanted it. She tentatively penciled us in (until we could check with Andy's work and my mom) for March 26th. She also told us to ease into the anti-inflammatory diet as it is very overwhelming all at once (essentially, no processed grains, lots of fruits and vegetables, lean meats, little dairy.)
When we called my mom after the appointment she immediately said to take the date. Andy's employer didn't have a problem with it either, so we made the appointment for robotic assisted surgery on March 26th with hopes that we will be able to travel home on Good Friday (Cheryl assured me that it would definitely be a "Good Friday" as I would have plenty of suffering to unite with Christ's.)
We were able to travel home from Omaha on Friday, March 1st. The gas pain persisted until Saturday afternoon, when I finally turned the corner and it became less painful. That night, while at my sister's house, I entertained she and Damien (and Andy) with rolling from side to side on the floor so that they could hear the gas bubbling from side to side (again, going to the highest point.) I had no idea I'd be in maternity pants so soon after going to Omaha. lol. I had to wear them (because I was tired of living in yoga pants) until the following Friday because my stomach was still so bloated that I couldn't even zip my regular pants. The two incisions are healing beautifully (not that that really matters much, but they are.) The one at my belly button (the bigger one) looks like just another wrinkle in my belly button and the lower, smaller one looks like an ingrown hair at best. I guess I tell you that just because I am amazed at the finesse of such a skilled surgeon.
Wow. Just wow. Even a month later, I am still coming to terms with this new reality. This reality filled with hope. It's strange after so long of being completely in the dark (as to the cause of our miscarriages) what it feels like to bask in the light of answers. I can hardly describe the love that I feel for Dr. Hilgers. That there is a doctor out there, going so against the grain of the world, to bring healing and hope to women. Not just artificially propping up their bodies to support a pregnancy, but actually getting to the root of the problem and healing them. That can only come from working in harmony with The Creator. Praise God for this man! I am also overcome with gratitude to God for the beauty that has come from such pain. The story God is writing through me never ceases to amaze and surprise me. Now that we have answers, God working through the fallenness of this world to bring about good is so obvious to me. I only wish I could say that my faith in His hand working for good through it all never faltered. Sometimes (on the good days) I could cling to the hope that God was working through it all. But on those dark days, I could only (and barely) cling to Andy who was clinging to God through it all. Praise God for my faithful, holy husband.
So there you have it. Far from the final chapter of our story, but definitely a big moment in it. We are faithfully taking our antibiotics twice a day. (I have nine alarms set on my phone right now: 2 per day for antibiotics, 2 per day for the T3 (has to be taken twelve hours-to the minute- apart, can't eat 2 hours before or one hour after taking, 4 per day for taking my temps and pulses to track for the TSD, and 1 to wake up each morning. ) We are slowly adjusting our diets to align them more with an anti-inflammatory way of eating (pounds and pounds of fruits and vegetables are getting eaten in this house each week.) And we are scheduled to go back to Omaha next week for surgery.
If you would, please keep us in your prayers this coming Holiest of Weeks. Pray for safe travels. Pray for a successful surgery with no complications. Pray for a speedy recovery. Pray that we can make it home for Easter with our children. Even more so, pray for Dr. Hilgers. Pray for God to give strength and encouragement and help to this holy servant. Pray for NaPro Technology to be more widely recognized, studied, and accessible. Pray for the field of obstetrics. Pray for the millions of other couples struggling to live their lives through the pain of infertility and/or miscarriage.
I'll leave you with the lyrics to one of my favorite hymns. Seriously, I get teary singing it every. time.
"Oh God beyond all praising, we worship you today and sing the love amazing that songs cannot repay; for we can only wonder at every gift you send, at blessings without number and mercies without end: we lift our hearts before you and wait upon your word, we honor and adore you, our great and mighty Lord.
Then hear, O gracious Savior, accept the love we bring, that we who know your favor may serve you as our king; (this is the point I always choke up) and whether our tomorrows be filled with good or ill, we'll triumph through our sorrows and rise to bless you still: to marvel at your beauty and glory in your ways, and make a joyful duty our sacrifice of praise."
God bless.
If these topics interest you, you might find the following links helpful:
http://www.popepaulvi.com/
http://www.drhilgers.com/
And and in depth look at the role of infections in infertility/miscarriage by Dr. Attila Toth:
http://www.fertilitysolution.com/Fertile-vs-Infertile-Book.pdf?page_mode=OPEN
Journey to Omaha II
Before I post my monster update (seriously, I'm typing it now), I realized that I inadvertently (or maybe subconsciously) left out a diagnosis I received in February that I want to fill you in on. Prior to going to Omaha the first time, I'd been sent a packet of information (by PPVI Institute) to evaluate me for Thyroid System Dysfunction. Now, I was already on Thyroid medication for hypothyroidism, but this dysfunction is kind of tricky. I would like to educate you a little bit about it (because I think it is important and fascinating all at the same time) as explained in the information packet sent to me. If you're not interested in the medicine behind the reality, skip the quote and pick up after it. But I'm telling you, it's fascinating (and you can understand it - I'm absolutely not medically inclined and I understand it.)
I was exhausted every morning, even after a full night's sleep. I would fall asleep while reading to Ruby. I took naps while she napped pretty much every day. I chalked it up to "being a parent of young kids" and "getting older." I was grumpy, snappy, irritable, and unreasonable many days throughout each month (not PMS, but 10-15 days throughout the month.) I was depressed, unmotivated, overwhelmed, and so many, many times I felt like I had completely lost the ability to control my emotions. The devil enjoyed playing with my doubts, making me feel like a terrible person who, if I just practiced more self-control, could "get over" this. Those 10-15 days each month were so dark and difficult.
I know what some of you are thinking, you "know" me, and you just don't see those things. You see my Facebook posts, my blog, and you think that I couldn't possibly be describing myself. But I can assure you that you didn't know the whole story. There were good days and bad. You knew the "good day me." On those good days, I could be productive and loving and patient and I could blog and post on Facebook. That's the me I let people know. On the good days, I could make light of the bad. But on the bad days, I couldn't see the forest for the trees. Those days I would get absolutely nothing done above keeping everyone alive and fed and clothed. It was all I could do to make it through the day without curling up in a fetal position on the bed and sleeping. I felt like I was crazy with all the ups and downs. I had no idea how I would feel or react to things. On the good days I could be so patient but on the bad days, the littlest, stupidest things set me off into that dark place, unable to control my emotions no matter how hard I tried (and seriously, I.tried.hard.) I never knew which kind of day I was going to have. On the good days, I couldn't understand why I felt so horrible on the bad days. I hated how I felt. I hated how I treated Andy and the kids (but mostly Andy.) I couldn't stand the person I'd become, yet I couldn't figure out how to not be that person. The thought that my life would always be like that scared and depressed me even further. I can't imagine how hard I was to be married to. And yet, despite the me I was so much of the time, the bitchy, grumpy me, Andy loved me. Loved me even when I didn't love me. I could not possibly be married to a better man for me.
Now, because of our background in the Couple-to-Couple League method of NFP, I had maintained daily basal temperature readings (with breaks during pregnancy/nursing) since shortly before we got married, and I knew my temps bad always been low (most recently, in the mid to lower 96s pre-ovulatory, barely getting to the mid 97s post-ovulatory - when temperatures rise in reaction to progesterone) And the temps had always puzzled me (because they can indicate thyroid problems) but my blood tests had always come back pretty much normal. And here I was reading this informational packet on TSD and going "That is ME!" This disorder that the American Thyroid Association believes is nonexistent - perfectly describes me. The temps coupled with the fact that I checked off two dozen of the symptoms associated with Thyroid Dysfunction (everything from moodiness, low libido, irritability, depression and fatigue, to low-self esteem, miscarriage, and cold intolerance) made me think that perhaps Dr. Hilgers had stumbled onto something that would change my life.
I had a moment of clarity reflecting on my symptoms in a worksheet from Dr. Hilgers sent with the TSD informational packet (some of the questions: "Compared to a normal person, what percentage of a normal person do you feel?" and "Compared to the way you felt before developing all of these symptoms, all things taken together, would you say you feel (10-90%) of what you felt then?") You mean all these things that I've been feeling. This person that I've become could all be related to my thyroid?! In trying to remember when it was that I last felt "normal," I realized that I hadn't felt like "myself" since we miscarried the very first time way back in 2008. It seemed to worsen after each miscarriage, and had reached a fever pitch after we miscarried in August 2012 and I stopped post-peak progesterone intervention so that Dr. Hilgers could get an accurate hormone profile through a month-long blood panel. I'd long thought it was hormonal, but had no idea it could be related to my thyroid.
I filled the packet out and actually hand delivered it the first day I was in Omaha. On Monday, February 11th the nurse called to let me know that I qualified for the treatment for Thyroid System Dysfunction. I picked my prescription up at Kubat's Pharmacy (the only pharmacy in the nation who compounds the active T3 hormone under Dr. Hilgers' protocol) when I was in Omaha again on Valentine's Day.
We are still in the process of getting my dosage correct, but I cannot believe how much better I feel. My temps are still working their way to a more normal range, but I've had temperatures in the 98s sporadically! I don't even know when my temperature has ever been in the 98s (except for when I have a fever...) And on the days that my temperature is up, I can seriously feel it. I feel like the me I knew I was deep down but couldn't be. I have a normal amount of energy. I feel rested. I can handle life. Things still upset me, but I can deal with them and move on. I feel "normal" and normal feels wonderful! It is my hope that as we approach the right dosage, I will have more and more of those "normal feeling" days.
I am very hopeful that we will someday be able to successfully carry pregnancies again (and you'll learn more about our answers in the next post) but if nothing else comes from this, I feel like I am getting my life back. I don't dread the rest of my life now. I hope that I can one day be the wife that Andy deserves and the mother that Ira and Ruby deserve. Because they deserve the very best.
Lastly, I am so, so grateful for a doctor who is willing to research problems that certain associations call non-existent. Because for me, that non-existent condition was a reality that was wreaking havoc on my life.
"Thyroid System Dysfunction (TSD) is a controversial condition in which the patient may have a large number of symptoms that are ultimately associated with abnormal function of the thyroid gland. However, in this condition the normal thyroid function studies that the doctor runs on blood tests are usually within the normal range. The ability to diagnose this condition is said to rest on the ability to take a series of body temperatures because the diagnosis - at the present time - is made in part upon the identification of the average body temperature being below 98.2 degrees Fahrenheit.
...It is controversial because the American Thyroid Association has taken a specific position on this condition indicating that they believe it is nonexistent...
Theoretically, this condition is caused as the result of chronic stress. Under the conditions of chronic stress, the adrenal glands respond by manufacturing a large amount of Cortisol. Apparently Cortisol inhibits the conversion of Thyroxine (Thyroid hormone - T4) to Triiodothyronine (the active thyroid hormone - T3). Cortisol favors the conversion of T4 to Reverse T3 (RT3). Reverse T3 is similar chemically to the T3 hormone but it is inactive. That is to say, it has no physiological activity. If the stress is prolonged, a condition referred to as "Reverse T3 Dominance" occurs and persists even after the stress passes and Cortisol levels fall. Apparently RT3 can act somewhat like Cortisol and block the conversion of T4 to T3.
The conversion of T4 to T3 is very important. It occurs both in the liver and in the individual cells throughout the body. While T4 is produced by the thyroid gland in response to Thyroid Releasing Hormone (TRH) - a hormone produced in the hypothalamus - and Thyroid Stimulating Hormone (TSH) - a hormone produced in the pituitary gland, the thyroid hormone itself (T4) is not a very active hormone. The conversion of the T4 to T3 is important to obtain the effect of the thyroid hormone. When this relationship changes with a production of a predominance of Revers T3 (RT3), there is the development of multiple symptoms related to thyroid dysfunction.
This Reverse T3 Dominance is the cause of the hypometabolism which is associated with decreased body temperature. In the case of any hormone activity, there need to be chemical receptors within the cells to bind with the hormone in order for the hormone to be effective. The RT3 and T3 both bind to the same receptors. However, when there is an increased amount of RT3 relative to the amount of T3 (once again the active thyroid hormone), then the receptor sites become blocked by the RT3 and the various chemical reactions associated with the body slow down. When these reactions slow down, the temperature drops because these reactions normally will give off a certain amount of heat and they are the source of heat within the body. As these reactions slow down, less heat is produced and the body temperature decreases. This drop in temperature slows down enzymes in every cell of the body... Ultimately, this is the bio-chemical reason for the thyroid system dysfunction."I haven't talked about this much with anyone, because it is kind of heavy, but my mom and my sisters knew a little bit and Andy, well he knew just exactly how much I was struggling. I want to talk to you about this now because it is important to me that this information is out there for others who may be struggling similarly. Get ready to get to know the real me:
I was exhausted every morning, even after a full night's sleep. I would fall asleep while reading to Ruby. I took naps while she napped pretty much every day. I chalked it up to "being a parent of young kids" and "getting older." I was grumpy, snappy, irritable, and unreasonable many days throughout each month (not PMS, but 10-15 days throughout the month.) I was depressed, unmotivated, overwhelmed, and so many, many times I felt like I had completely lost the ability to control my emotions. The devil enjoyed playing with my doubts, making me feel like a terrible person who, if I just practiced more self-control, could "get over" this. Those 10-15 days each month were so dark and difficult.
I know what some of you are thinking, you "know" me, and you just don't see those things. You see my Facebook posts, my blog, and you think that I couldn't possibly be describing myself. But I can assure you that you didn't know the whole story. There were good days and bad. You knew the "good day me." On those good days, I could be productive and loving and patient and I could blog and post on Facebook. That's the me I let people know. On the good days, I could make light of the bad. But on the bad days, I couldn't see the forest for the trees. Those days I would get absolutely nothing done above keeping everyone alive and fed and clothed. It was all I could do to make it through the day without curling up in a fetal position on the bed and sleeping. I felt like I was crazy with all the ups and downs. I had no idea how I would feel or react to things. On the good days I could be so patient but on the bad days, the littlest, stupidest things set me off into that dark place, unable to control my emotions no matter how hard I tried (and seriously, I.tried.hard.) I never knew which kind of day I was going to have. On the good days, I couldn't understand why I felt so horrible on the bad days. I hated how I felt. I hated how I treated Andy and the kids (but mostly Andy.) I couldn't stand the person I'd become, yet I couldn't figure out how to not be that person. The thought that my life would always be like that scared and depressed me even further. I can't imagine how hard I was to be married to. And yet, despite the me I was so much of the time, the bitchy, grumpy me, Andy loved me. Loved me even when I didn't love me. I could not possibly be married to a better man for me.
Now, because of our background in the Couple-to-Couple League method of NFP, I had maintained daily basal temperature readings (with breaks during pregnancy/nursing) since shortly before we got married, and I knew my temps bad always been low (most recently, in the mid to lower 96s pre-ovulatory, barely getting to the mid 97s post-ovulatory - when temperatures rise in reaction to progesterone) And the temps had always puzzled me (because they can indicate thyroid problems) but my blood tests had always come back pretty much normal. And here I was reading this informational packet on TSD and going "That is ME!" This disorder that the American Thyroid Association believes is nonexistent - perfectly describes me. The temps coupled with the fact that I checked off two dozen of the symptoms associated with Thyroid Dysfunction (everything from moodiness, low libido, irritability, depression and fatigue, to low-self esteem, miscarriage, and cold intolerance) made me think that perhaps Dr. Hilgers had stumbled onto something that would change my life.
I filled the packet out and actually hand delivered it the first day I was in Omaha. On Monday, February 11th the nurse called to let me know that I qualified for the treatment for Thyroid System Dysfunction. I picked my prescription up at Kubat's Pharmacy (the only pharmacy in the nation who compounds the active T3 hormone under Dr. Hilgers' protocol) when I was in Omaha again on Valentine's Day.
We are still in the process of getting my dosage correct, but I cannot believe how much better I feel. My temps are still working their way to a more normal range, but I've had temperatures in the 98s sporadically! I don't even know when my temperature has ever been in the 98s (except for when I have a fever...) And on the days that my temperature is up, I can seriously feel it. I feel like the me I knew I was deep down but couldn't be. I have a normal amount of energy. I feel rested. I can handle life. Things still upset me, but I can deal with them and move on. I feel "normal" and normal feels wonderful! It is my hope that as we approach the right dosage, I will have more and more of those "normal feeling" days.
I am very hopeful that we will someday be able to successfully carry pregnancies again (and you'll learn more about our answers in the next post) but if nothing else comes from this, I feel like I am getting my life back. I don't dread the rest of my life now. I hope that I can one day be the wife that Andy deserves and the mother that Ira and Ruby deserve. Because they deserve the very best.
Lastly, I am so, so grateful for a doctor who is willing to research problems that certain associations call non-existent. Because for me, that non-existent condition was a reality that was wreaking havoc on my life.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Journey to Omaha I
So it's been awhile. I've been pondering exactly what I want to say about my trip(s) to Omaha, but I do feel a little compelled to update everyone. The week leading up to my trip was surely one of the most stressful weeks I've had in I couldn't tell you how long. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever been so mentally, physically, and emotionally stressed. I'm going to document it here for "posterity's sake" but if you don't want to read through it all (it's very long) I totally understand. Otherwise, pull up a chair and a gallon of coffee - you're going to need it!
The original plan (we'll call it Plan A) was for Andy & I to go to Omaha on February 22nd for a baseline ultrasound. Consult with Dr. Hilgers on Tuesday, Feb. 26th; surgery Feb 27th, Laparoscopy review on Feb 28th, stay for daily sonograms until I ovulated. We were going to drive our car, stay in a hotel, mom was going to watch the kids. Simple enough.
Then it became apparent throughout January that my cycle was not going to cooperate with said timeline and I would be ovulating in early to mid February, thus necessitating a trip to Omaha early in the month. So we had to come up with Plan B: Michelle will drive her car to Omaha by herself (so that Andy doesn't have to take off of as much work) and stay in a hotel.
Then I called on January 31st to schedule the ultrasound series and they said they wanted me to come for my baseline ultrasound on Friday February 8th. Okay, no problem says I. It wasn't until I got off the phone that I realized that Feb 8th was just over a week away. Whoa! Lot to get ready in a week. We happily decided that Andy could take one day off of work to go to at least the Friday, Saturday, & Sunday ultrasounds. Hooray! We would get to experience the PPVI Institute for the first time together as we had originally hoped! What a blessed surprise! Plan C
Monday, February 4th, I had to throw papers (our route of 800 that we do once a month) and do some grocery shopping and get my oil changed in my car. Walmart (where we usually get our oil changed) had a 2 hour wait, so I decided to wait until Tuesday or Wednesday to get it changed. I also called to get in at the Dentist's office to have them look over my crown/jaw that are still hurting immensely. Not great news there: either my body will just take a long time to heal from the crown, or my nerve might be dying and I'll need a root canal. Not exactly the simple fix to the pain that I was hoping to be done with before going to Omaha. Time will tell on that one. That night as I finished up the laundry in the washer that occasionally leaks increasing amounts of water and went to get it out of the dryer that takes 2-3 cycles to actually get things dry, I said to Andy, "I think we need a new washer and dryer."
Tuesday, February 5th I took my car to the mechanic because it was doing this weird thing where the dome lights just randomly turn on and off after opening a door. Also, the glove box light randomly goes on and off while I'm driving. The "service engine soon" light was on as well as the "change engine oil" which had come on shortly after they changed the oil last time. I figured it was all related and just a weird electrical short. The car also does this "cutting out" thing like one time every 2-3 weeks where I push on the gas and it hesitates before going. I thought maybe a plug was fouled. So Tuesday morning I take the car to the mechanic thinking that they'll run the diagnostic scan, maybe change a fuse and a plug, and I'll be on my way. Instead, they couldn't look at my car right away so I called my mom to come pick Ruby and I up and we went to Rosary Group with her. On the way we call my sister (who was 6 days overdue at that point and whom my mom is "on call" for for childcare) to tell her that if she needs mom to call my cell phone. While at Rosary Group, the mechanic calls on my car. "Great" thought I - that didn't take long! And then it was one of those situations where what you're hearing doesn't match up with what you thought you'd hear and it takes your brain a little time to catch up. "Wait, what? 14 codes... diagnostics alone would cost hundreds... wires... transmission... You mean my car's not fixed?... I'm going to have Andy call you so you can explain all of this to him." Andy's call back to me confirmed what I suspected. The car is not worth fixing, we need a new car, and in the words of our mechanic "I wouldn't take it on any trips." Ohhhhhh.....kay. So mom & I go pick up my car and decide that it would be wise to rent a car to drive to Omaha. Scoured the interwebs and a number of coupon sources, found a good deal on a car and secured a rental for our trip for a week with the option to extend. Plan D Looks like we'll be adding purchasing a car to our list of things to do after we get back...
Wednesday, February 6th was a blessed surprise - Mandy had her baby! A girl - Clara Elisabeth. Ruby and I went to the hospital in the early afternoon and planned to go back with Ira & Andy later in the afternoon/evening. I had a good talk with my older sister about the emotions I was feeling in advance of going to Omaha. I had initially thought I would be just so excited and elated and happy to be going. But I was feeling surprisingly sad and upset about going. I had not anticipated how much I would miss my kids. my husband. my daily life and duties of keeping up our lives and house. And for anywhere from 5-10+ days! Although I was kind of looking forward to a relaxing "retreat" I was so going to miss my life. We went back up to the hospital to see baby Clara again in the evening. Ira loved holding her and smothering her with kisses. We got home from the hospital after bedtime. Both kids were asleep. As Andy was putting Ira's jammies on him, I noticed some purple marker across the back of his shoulder. "Silly child. Thought I. How do you get purple marker across the back of your shoulder when you wear a sweatshirt and a uniform shirt all day at school? Sheesh."
Thursday morning (February 7th), I hear Ruby come into our room at around 6:15. She wants her monkey. I found the monkey and we headed back to she and Ira's room when Ira appears in the doorway and says "I don't feel very BBBBLBLLLELAAAAARRFFFF" Oh my goodness... Ira is sick and barfing... We're supposed to leave tomorrow morning... Ira kissed all over brand-new-baby Clara last night... Just swell. I called Andy immediately and he said if need be, he would stay home with Ira and I would just go to Omaha by myself. I called the school around 7:45. I called my mom around 9. She said nonsense, Andy should go, we'll watch the kids even if Ira is still sick. I put on a movie for Ira and went about trying to pack myself while being quite unsure whether to pack stuff for Andy or for the kids for the weekend. Andy and I talked at one point about how it seemed like the devil was trying to make it difficult for us to go to Omaha. In our conversations throughout the morning, we decided to wait until afternoon to make a decision about whether Andy would go depending on how Ira felt/acted. Plan D 1/2
Ira slept on an off throughout the morning but about 12:30 I went downstairs to find that he had woken up and barfed all over himself, his pillow, blanket, the couch, the carpet & the ottoman and just a little bit in the trashcan. I bundled everything up and stuck it in the utility room sink to deal with after I'd gotten Ira & the rest of the stuff cleaned up. When I took fresh jammies down to him, I again noticed the purple marker on his shoulder. Only I noticed that it wasn't purple marker. It was bubbled up reddish/purple and veiny looking. I touched it and Ira said "ouch." I said, "did you scratch your shoulder on something?" "Umm... I was scratching my back on the wall outside at school..." Enter full-panic-mind-spinning-a-million-miles-per-hour-mode..."what is that thing? It looks like some kind of bloody vein... is this related to the sickness and fever and confusion from last week... the throwing up today... what is that...I need to get a hold of the nurse!" While sitting on hold for the nurse, I called Andy's aunt who is a nurse to see if she could come look at it, but got her answering machine. So I sat on hold until the "on-call nurse" talked to the receptionist and she said we should take him to the minor emergency room to have it evaluated. Ohhhhhhh kayyyy. I called my mom crying and asked her if they could watch Ruby (b/c I didn't want to expose her to all the crud going around at the doctor's office.) I called Andy who said he would meet me at the doctor's office. For the second time in 10 days, I made the trip into town fearful for my son's health. Wondering what was wrong... why does it take so long to get to town?... what if they need to biopsy it... Ira is terrified of needles... would they do an MRI...would they even be able to do that this late in the afternoon... I'm supposed to drive to Omaha tomorrow...should I even go... do I keep my rental car & hotel reservations...
My dad met us at the immediate care office to get Ruby. Andy pulled up shortly after. I told the receptionist what was going on and they said they'd get him right in. Andy sat down next to Ira and I said, "Look at the thing on his shoulder." So he did. And he says, "Is it... gum?" "Say what....???" And he peeled on it (as Ira's saying ow!) and sure enough - it has a little stretch to it. Oh. my. goodness. Ihaveneverfeltsodumbinmylife. Wow. just. wow. Waves of relief would have been crashing over me had I not been so overcome with utter and complete feelings of stupidity. I. am an idiot.
I told Andy to go back to work. We decided to go ahead and still have him seen since we were already there just in case they could give him tamiflu. While we're sitting back in the exam room waiting for the doctor, Ira says, "That is gum on my shoulder." And you're telling me this now? I think to myself. "When I was chewing gum sometime last week I pulled it out of my mouth and stuck it to my shoulder and I tried pulling on it and couldn't get it off." Of course, that makes perfect sense?... I think to myself. "Well, thank you for telling me the truth now. I do wish you'd told me sooner though." "Well, I kind of forgot." And I am the worst mother ever for not even noticing it... for a week...more....less?? who knows... Epic. Fail.
The doctor said to push fluids, call back if he still isn't keeping anything down by tomorrow afternoon, and go easy on the gum removal - skin will probably come with it at this point.
I picked up some Pedialyte and Sierra Mist for Ira and then picked Ruby up and we headed home. Andy came home from work and we decided that we would see how Ira felt through the evening. If he acted better, Andy would still go. If he threw up again, Andy would stay home. Plan D 3/4. I went down around 7:30 to check on Ira and he was running a fever. So we made the difficult decision that Andy would stay home with the kids and I would go to Omaha by myself. Seriously devil? You suck. Plan E. I put Ruby to bed & couldn't kiss her and hug her enough. Ira fell asleep on the couch. We let him sleep there until we were ready for bed. I couldn't kiss and hug Ira enough.
Friday morning, February 8th, I got up around 5:30 after I'd woken up around 4 and couldn't go back to sleep. Andy fixed breakfast and coffee and we ate breakfast together before my mom came at 6:45 to take me to get the rental car. Ira and Ruby woke up before I left so I got to kiss and hug them a couple more times. Ira still had a fever, but he wasn't throwing up at least. It was so hard to say goodbye to Andy. We've never been apart more than a couple days in our "whole" (7.5 years) of married life. But we both felt like we were making the right decision albeit hard. I picked up my rental car around 7:30 and was on the road around 7:50. I had some time to make the trip, so I stopped as "the spirit led me" to take pictures of various things along the way.
Around 10:30, I got a call from Andy. He said that Ira's fever had broken and that he was acting like he felt just fine. He'd looked up taking a train to Omaha before talking to my mom who asked if he'd considered a rental car. He wanted to check with me to make sure I thought it'd be okay to leave Ira with my parents. I trusted his assessment of the situation, so he made plans to rent a car and drive to Omaha and spend the weekend here. He wouldn't make it in time for my appointment at 2:45, but he would be here for the Saturday and Sunday scans after all! Plan F.
I got to Omaha just shortly before my appointment. I had just enough time to check into the hotel and unload my stuff before heading to the Pope Paul VI Institute! It was highly surreal pulling into the driveway and walking into this building that I'd dreamed of going to for so long. I was surprised by how humble and unassuming the building was. The block-long, glass-walled, State-of-the-Art institute that I was picturing was in reality a 3 story brown brick building with shake shingles and humble furnishings. Of course it was. It is a profoundly beautiful place in the most humble and unassuming way.
As the scan got underway, there were all kinds of measurements and screen shots being taken. Both ovaries showed "strings of pearls" (many follicles in a line around the ovary) which can be indicative of Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS.) They were looking for a dominant follicle - one that was 1.5 cm or larger. None of the follicles were that big (the largest were around 1.1 cm) So they said I could wait to come back until Monday. Hmmmm....what?... I just checked into my hotel... my husband is halfway here... are you serious?!
I called Andy and called my mom and we decided that Andy would still come and we would just enjoy a weekend away together. Plan G.
Andy got here Friday evening and we enjoyed a nice dinner out, slept in on Saturday morning, went to the Holy Family Shrine, ate lunch, went shopping, totally food-geeked out at the Whole Foods Market, went to a wonderful Mexican restaurant downtown for dinner and went to bed early because we were both completely and totally exhausted. Sunday morning we went to mass, went to lunch, and then Andy headed back home. After he left, I decided to unpack since I was going to be here for awhile. I hung up my shirts, filled the dresser with the rest, unpacked my bathroom bag, and got all settled in for a nice retreat. My sister called and asked Andy & I to be Clara's godparents. We discussed when they could do the baptism (preferably as soon as possible - maybe the weekend of the 16th if I was done with my scans.) I prayed and relaxed. Watched TV. Talked to Andy. Talked to my mom & my kiddos. Set my clothes out for the next day.
Monday the 11th, my appointment was at 9 am. Jeannine did my scan and said that there was still not a dominant follicle. She said I could wait until Thursday afternoon to come back. Seriously?! Good grief. I called my my mom. Called Andy. We decided I would go home and come back on Thursday. Plan H. So I went back to the hotel and repacked everything I'd unpacked. I checked out and made tentative reservations for Thursday night. I called Mandy to let her know of the latest developments. We decided to see what Thursday's appointment showed before we made any decisions about Clara's baptism. On the drive back, I decided to see if I could continue renting a car (it was the same price for 5 days at the daily rate as it was for one weekly rate) but switch to one with cruise control. They said I could bring it in on Tuesday or Wednesday and switch it out - no problem. I picked Ruby up and headed to meet my father in law who was going to pick Ira up from school (I was going to get back home about 10 minutes after Ira got out of school.)
It was so nice to see the kids and Andy when he got home from work. I had a hormonal meltdown about the condition of the house (welcome back to reality!) But we got everything cleaned up (including the still-smelled-like-barf couch and carpet in the basement.)
Tuesday the 12th was spent in the kitchen making cinnamon rolls and cookies for a fundraiser on Saturday that I didn't think I was going to get to help with. It was such a nice, normal day in the midst of crazy times.
Wednesday the 13th I got to take Ruby to Ash Wednesday Mass and help Ira begin his Lenten Sacrifices (something I didn't think I was going to get to do.) I got to see some cousins that were in town (from Alaska) that I didn't think I was going to get to see. I got to take newborn pictures of my god daughter that I didn't think I was going to get to take. Andy got to go to evening Mass which he didn't think he was going to get to do. Ruby was going to stay the night at my parents' so that I didn't have to take her there in the morning. She had been okay with the idea, but at bedtime, really did not want to. (She - unlike Ira ever has been - actually missed me while I was gone. So it made it really hard to leave her. At one point (trying to cheer her up) I said "What are you going to say to Grandma when you wake up?" (kind of a "tradition" she says "Grraaaaaaaaammmma I'm aaaawaaaaaaaakke.") And she said as she starts bawling, "I misssssss myyyyyy moommmmmmmyyyyy." Broke. my. heart. I put her to bed and she was mildly okay with staying there overnight.
Thursday morning (February 14th - Valentines Day) I got up before Andy left to tell him goodbye (not knowing whether I would be home later that night maybe or not for a few days or even a week Hypothetical plans I, J, & K made.) Ira woke up on his own and kept thinking that Ruby was still asleep in her bed. (Seriously, like 3 times he said something about "not waking Ruby" or "aren't we going to get Ruby up?") I took him to school and headed back to Omaha for the 2nd time.
At my appointment on Thursday, there was finally a dominant follicle (just barely) so they put me on the "daily plan" for sonograms. I called Andy. I called my Mom. I called the rental car company. Plan L I called Mandy and told her that obviously they could schedule the baptism for whenever they wanted to, knowing that they wanted to get it done as soon as possible. I completely understand wanting to get your child baptized as soon as possible - been there, done that. I told her that if need be, I would drive there for the baptism and back here. She said she'd talk to her hubby and get back with me. I checked into the hotel and extended my reservation until Monday morning (not without difficulty - some big Volleyball thing was going on in town, so I had to switch rooms Friday morning and switch back to another room for Saturday and Sunday nights.)
Friday (the 15th) the follicle had grown. Mandy called back to see if 3 o'clock on Saturday (pending the priest's approval) would allow me enough time to get there and back for my Sunday scan. I said that would be an excellent time. Plan M I went to 11:15 mass at St. Cecilia's Cathedral. I prayed there afterwards. I went to a great diner for lunch/dinner called Petrow's. They had a old-fashioned soda fountain and a bakery as well. I got tilapia and a piece of coconut cream pie and both were outstanding.
Saturday the 16th, the follicle had grown some more (it was around 1.7 cm - they look for them to rupture - ovulate - at or above 1.9 cm.) I got out of my appointment, got gas, and got on the road and didn't stop until I was running out of fuel about 7 miles from the church. Clara Elisabeth was welcomed to the Catholic Church at a beautiful ceremony with dozens of family and friends there to celebrate. The church was full of LIFE! Afterwards, Mandy & Damien hosted a party and meal. I was able to stay for a couple hours before I headed back to Omaha around 6:30. By the grace of God (and some grody coffee from McDonalds), I (who struggles many days to stay awake - while driving - from town to home) was wide awake and had no trouble driving back to Omaha. I got back right before midnight.
Sunday morning's (February 17th) scan revealed a 2.1 cm follicle. Jeannine gave me 50/50 odds of ovulating before my scan on Monday morning. I went to mass at St. Cecilia's Cathedral - just an absolutely magnificent church. As I was walking out, an elderly gentleman (and one of the ushers) asked if I was a visitor. I said, "Well, yes I am," and told him where I was from. He asked if I'd like a tour of the Cathedral. Having absolutely nothing planned for the rest of the day, I heartily accepted his offer. He introduced me to everyone we passed (everyone seemed to know him) including several priests, a former senator, and someone who went to my parent's parish back home before moving here in the mid nineties. He spent two and a half hours showing me through the Cathedral building (including the art gallery behind the iron gates in the apsial ambulatory and the museum which is only open the third Sunday of the month) sharing history, facts, stories and trivia about the century old building, the saints represented in art and statue, and Omaha in general. He commented throughout our time that it was so nice to show the building to someone who wasn't in a hurry. All the while I was thinking it was so nice to be shown by someone with such obvious love for the Church and her story. We parted ways and I treated myself to some lunch/dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. After that, I went shopping and found a pair of orange khaki pants at GAP - in my size (!!!) - for five dollars (!!!!!), and a pair of jeans - again - in my weird tall size - for thirty dollars. What a DAY! I went to bed feeling a little wistful and sad that my relaxing "retreat" to Omaha was far from relaxing or retreat-like (although there have been some wonderful hours in there!) while at the same time being realistic enough to acknowledge that what needed to get done - the ultrasounds - got done.
This morning (February 18th), I went in for my scan, ready to jet outta here and head back home (I even wore nice clothes, did my hair and put on makeup for seeing my hubby again.) Except the follicle was still there. 2.13 cm. Not "ovulated" yet. Wow. I should just learn to not be surprised by anything anymore. Disappointed, I called Andy, called my mom, called the rental car company, and checked back into the hotel. Plan N Apparently, I should learn to stop making plans too. And then I thought maybe just maybe (with the prospect of nothing better to do all day) I should write this all down so that I can look back at it fondly some day. That was five and a half hours ago. Holy moly.
I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I could even make this crazy journey. Grateful that there is a place where women and their bodies are respected and healed. Grateful that it was a feasible option for us. Grateful that our insurance is covering it. Grateful that we could afford it. Grateful that we made it to this point. Grateful for a Doctor who has dedicated his life to revolutionizing Women's Health care in moral and ethical ways. Grateful for our loving, helpful family who is there for us through the craziness; willing to do whatever needs done to help out. We are so, so blessed.
The original plan (we'll call it Plan A) was for Andy & I to go to Omaha on February 22nd for a baseline ultrasound. Consult with Dr. Hilgers on Tuesday, Feb. 26th; surgery Feb 27th, Laparoscopy review on Feb 28th, stay for daily sonograms until I ovulated. We were going to drive our car, stay in a hotel, mom was going to watch the kids. Simple enough.
Then it became apparent throughout January that my cycle was not going to cooperate with said timeline and I would be ovulating in early to mid February, thus necessitating a trip to Omaha early in the month. So we had to come up with Plan B: Michelle will drive her car to Omaha by herself (so that Andy doesn't have to take off of as much work) and stay in a hotel.
Then I called on January 31st to schedule the ultrasound series and they said they wanted me to come for my baseline ultrasound on Friday February 8th. Okay, no problem says I. It wasn't until I got off the phone that I realized that Feb 8th was just over a week away. Whoa! Lot to get ready in a week. We happily decided that Andy could take one day off of work to go to at least the Friday, Saturday, & Sunday ultrasounds. Hooray! We would get to experience the PPVI Institute for the first time together as we had originally hoped! What a blessed surprise! Plan C
Monday, February 4th, I had to throw papers (our route of 800 that we do once a month) and do some grocery shopping and get my oil changed in my car. Walmart (where we usually get our oil changed) had a 2 hour wait, so I decided to wait until Tuesday or Wednesday to get it changed. I also called to get in at the Dentist's office to have them look over my crown/jaw that are still hurting immensely. Not great news there: either my body will just take a long time to heal from the crown, or my nerve might be dying and I'll need a root canal. Not exactly the simple fix to the pain that I was hoping to be done with before going to Omaha. Time will tell on that one. That night as I finished up the laundry in the washer that occasionally leaks increasing amounts of water and went to get it out of the dryer that takes 2-3 cycles to actually get things dry, I said to Andy, "I think we need a new washer and dryer."
Tuesday, February 5th I took my car to the mechanic because it was doing this weird thing where the dome lights just randomly turn on and off after opening a door. Also, the glove box light randomly goes on and off while I'm driving. The "service engine soon" light was on as well as the "change engine oil" which had come on shortly after they changed the oil last time. I figured it was all related and just a weird electrical short. The car also does this "cutting out" thing like one time every 2-3 weeks where I push on the gas and it hesitates before going. I thought maybe a plug was fouled. So Tuesday morning I take the car to the mechanic thinking that they'll run the diagnostic scan, maybe change a fuse and a plug, and I'll be on my way. Instead, they couldn't look at my car right away so I called my mom to come pick Ruby and I up and we went to Rosary Group with her. On the way we call my sister (who was 6 days overdue at that point and whom my mom is "on call" for for childcare) to tell her that if she needs mom to call my cell phone. While at Rosary Group, the mechanic calls on my car. "Great" thought I - that didn't take long! And then it was one of those situations where what you're hearing doesn't match up with what you thought you'd hear and it takes your brain a little time to catch up. "Wait, what? 14 codes... diagnostics alone would cost hundreds... wires... transmission... You mean my car's not fixed?... I'm going to have Andy call you so you can explain all of this to him." Andy's call back to me confirmed what I suspected. The car is not worth fixing, we need a new car, and in the words of our mechanic "I wouldn't take it on any trips." Ohhhhhh.....kay. So mom & I go pick up my car and decide that it would be wise to rent a car to drive to Omaha. Scoured the interwebs and a number of coupon sources, found a good deal on a car and secured a rental for our trip for a week with the option to extend. Plan D Looks like we'll be adding purchasing a car to our list of things to do after we get back...
Wednesday, February 6th was a blessed surprise - Mandy had her baby! A girl - Clara Elisabeth. Ruby and I went to the hospital in the early afternoon and planned to go back with Ira & Andy later in the afternoon/evening. I had a good talk with my older sister about the emotions I was feeling in advance of going to Omaha. I had initially thought I would be just so excited and elated and happy to be going. But I was feeling surprisingly sad and upset about going. I had not anticipated how much I would miss my kids. my husband. my daily life and duties of keeping up our lives and house. And for anywhere from 5-10+ days! Although I was kind of looking forward to a relaxing "retreat" I was so going to miss my life. We went back up to the hospital to see baby Clara again in the evening. Ira loved holding her and smothering her with kisses. We got home from the hospital after bedtime. Both kids were asleep. As Andy was putting Ira's jammies on him, I noticed some purple marker across the back of his shoulder. "Silly child. Thought I. How do you get purple marker across the back of your shoulder when you wear a sweatshirt and a uniform shirt all day at school? Sheesh."
Ira slept on an off throughout the morning but about 12:30 I went downstairs to find that he had woken up and barfed all over himself, his pillow, blanket, the couch, the carpet & the ottoman and just a little bit in the trashcan. I bundled everything up and stuck it in the utility room sink to deal with after I'd gotten Ira & the rest of the stuff cleaned up. When I took fresh jammies down to him, I again noticed the purple marker on his shoulder. Only I noticed that it wasn't purple marker. It was bubbled up reddish/purple and veiny looking. I touched it and Ira said "ouch." I said, "did you scratch your shoulder on something?" "Umm... I was scratching my back on the wall outside at school..." Enter full-panic-mind-spinning-a-million-miles-per-hour-mode..."what is that thing? It looks like some kind of bloody vein... is this related to the sickness and fever and confusion from last week... the throwing up today... what is that...I need to get a hold of the nurse!" While sitting on hold for the nurse, I called Andy's aunt who is a nurse to see if she could come look at it, but got her answering machine. So I sat on hold until the "on-call nurse" talked to the receptionist and she said we should take him to the minor emergency room to have it evaluated. Ohhhhhhh kayyyy. I called my mom crying and asked her if they could watch Ruby (b/c I didn't want to expose her to all the crud going around at the doctor's office.) I called Andy who said he would meet me at the doctor's office. For the second time in 10 days, I made the trip into town fearful for my son's health. Wondering what was wrong... why does it take so long to get to town?... what if they need to biopsy it... Ira is terrified of needles... would they do an MRI...would they even be able to do that this late in the afternoon... I'm supposed to drive to Omaha tomorrow...should I even go... do I keep my rental car & hotel reservations...
I told Andy to go back to work. We decided to go ahead and still have him seen since we were already there just in case they could give him tamiflu. While we're sitting back in the exam room waiting for the doctor, Ira says, "That is gum on my shoulder." And you're telling me this now? I think to myself. "When I was chewing gum sometime last week I pulled it out of my mouth and stuck it to my shoulder and I tried pulling on it and couldn't get it off." Of course, that makes perfect sense?... I think to myself. "Well, thank you for telling me the truth now. I do wish you'd told me sooner though." "Well, I kind of forgot." And I am the worst mother ever for not even noticing it... for a week...more....less?? who knows... Epic. Fail.
The doctor said to push fluids, call back if he still isn't keeping anything down by tomorrow afternoon, and go easy on the gum removal - skin will probably come with it at this point.
I picked up some Pedialyte and Sierra Mist for Ira and then picked Ruby up and we headed home. Andy came home from work and we decided that we would see how Ira felt through the evening. If he acted better, Andy would still go. If he threw up again, Andy would stay home. Plan D 3/4. I went down around 7:30 to check on Ira and he was running a fever. So we made the difficult decision that Andy would stay home with the kids and I would go to Omaha by myself. Seriously devil? You suck. Plan E. I put Ruby to bed & couldn't kiss her and hug her enough. Ira fell asleep on the couch. We let him sleep there until we were ready for bed. I couldn't kiss and hug Ira enough.
Friday morning, February 8th, I got up around 5:30 after I'd woken up around 4 and couldn't go back to sleep. Andy fixed breakfast and coffee and we ate breakfast together before my mom came at 6:45 to take me to get the rental car. Ira and Ruby woke up before I left so I got to kiss and hug them a couple more times. Ira still had a fever, but he wasn't throwing up at least. It was so hard to say goodbye to Andy. We've never been apart more than a couple days in our "whole" (7.5 years) of married life. But we both felt like we were making the right decision albeit hard. I picked up my rental car around 7:30 and was on the road around 7:50. I had some time to make the trip, so I stopped as "the spirit led me" to take pictures of various things along the way.
As the scan got underway, there were all kinds of measurements and screen shots being taken. Both ovaries showed "strings of pearls" (many follicles in a line around the ovary) which can be indicative of Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS.) They were looking for a dominant follicle - one that was 1.5 cm or larger. None of the follicles were that big (the largest were around 1.1 cm) So they said I could wait to come back until Monday. Hmmmm....what?... I just checked into my hotel... my husband is halfway here... are you serious?!
I called Andy and called my mom and we decided that Andy would still come and we would just enjoy a weekend away together. Plan G.
It was so nice to see the kids and Andy when he got home from work. I had a hormonal meltdown about the condition of the house (welcome back to reality!) But we got everything cleaned up (including the still-smelled-like-barf couch and carpet in the basement.)
Tuesday the 12th was spent in the kitchen making cinnamon rolls and cookies for a fundraiser on Saturday that I didn't think I was going to get to help with. It was such a nice, normal day in the midst of crazy times.
Wednesday the 13th I got to take Ruby to Ash Wednesday Mass and help Ira begin his Lenten Sacrifices (something I didn't think I was going to get to do.) I got to see some cousins that were in town (from Alaska) that I didn't think I was going to get to see. I got to take newborn pictures of my god daughter that I didn't think I was going to get to take. Andy got to go to evening Mass which he didn't think he was going to get to do. Ruby was going to stay the night at my parents' so that I didn't have to take her there in the morning. She had been okay with the idea, but at bedtime, really did not want to. (She - unlike Ira ever has been - actually missed me while I was gone. So it made it really hard to leave her. At one point (trying to cheer her up) I said "What are you going to say to Grandma when you wake up?" (kind of a "tradition" she says "Grraaaaaaaaammmma I'm aaaawaaaaaaaakke.") And she said as she starts bawling, "I misssssss myyyyyy moommmmmmmyyyyy." Broke. my. heart. I put her to bed and she was mildly okay with staying there overnight.
Thursday morning (February 14th - Valentines Day) I got up before Andy left to tell him goodbye (not knowing whether I would be home later that night maybe or not for a few days or even a week Hypothetical plans I, J, & K made.) Ira woke up on his own and kept thinking that Ruby was still asleep in her bed. (Seriously, like 3 times he said something about "not waking Ruby" or "aren't we going to get Ruby up?") I took him to school and headed back to Omaha for the 2nd time.
At my appointment on Thursday, there was finally a dominant follicle (just barely) so they put me on the "daily plan" for sonograms. I called Andy. I called my Mom. I called the rental car company. Plan L I called Mandy and told her that obviously they could schedule the baptism for whenever they wanted to, knowing that they wanted to get it done as soon as possible. I completely understand wanting to get your child baptized as soon as possible - been there, done that. I told her that if need be, I would drive there for the baptism and back here. She said she'd talk to her hubby and get back with me. I checked into the hotel and extended my reservation until Monday morning (not without difficulty - some big Volleyball thing was going on in town, so I had to switch rooms Friday morning and switch back to another room for Saturday and Sunday nights.)
Friday (the 15th) the follicle had grown. Mandy called back to see if 3 o'clock on Saturday (pending the priest's approval) would allow me enough time to get there and back for my Sunday scan. I said that would be an excellent time. Plan M I went to 11:15 mass at St. Cecilia's Cathedral. I prayed there afterwards. I went to a great diner for lunch/dinner called Petrow's. They had a old-fashioned soda fountain and a bakery as well. I got tilapia and a piece of coconut cream pie and both were outstanding.
Saturday the 16th, the follicle had grown some more (it was around 1.7 cm - they look for them to rupture - ovulate - at or above 1.9 cm.) I got out of my appointment, got gas, and got on the road and didn't stop until I was running out of fuel about 7 miles from the church. Clara Elisabeth was welcomed to the Catholic Church at a beautiful ceremony with dozens of family and friends there to celebrate. The church was full of LIFE! Afterwards, Mandy & Damien hosted a party and meal. I was able to stay for a couple hours before I headed back to Omaha around 6:30. By the grace of God (and some grody coffee from McDonalds), I (who struggles many days to stay awake - while driving - from town to home) was wide awake and had no trouble driving back to Omaha. I got back right before midnight.
Sunday morning's (February 17th) scan revealed a 2.1 cm follicle. Jeannine gave me 50/50 odds of ovulating before my scan on Monday morning. I went to mass at St. Cecilia's Cathedral - just an absolutely magnificent church. As I was walking out, an elderly gentleman (and one of the ushers) asked if I was a visitor. I said, "Well, yes I am," and told him where I was from. He asked if I'd like a tour of the Cathedral. Having absolutely nothing planned for the rest of the day, I heartily accepted his offer. He introduced me to everyone we passed (everyone seemed to know him) including several priests, a former senator, and someone who went to my parent's parish back home before moving here in the mid nineties. He spent two and a half hours showing me through the Cathedral building (including the art gallery behind the iron gates in the apsial ambulatory and the museum which is only open the third Sunday of the month) sharing history, facts, stories and trivia about the century old building, the saints represented in art and statue, and Omaha in general. He commented throughout our time that it was so nice to show the building to someone who wasn't in a hurry. All the while I was thinking it was so nice to be shown by someone with such obvious love for the Church and her story. We parted ways and I treated myself to some lunch/dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. After that, I went shopping and found a pair of orange khaki pants at GAP - in my size (!!!) - for five dollars (!!!!!), and a pair of jeans - again - in my weird tall size - for thirty dollars. What a DAY! I went to bed feeling a little wistful and sad that my relaxing "retreat" to Omaha was far from relaxing or retreat-like (although there have been some wonderful hours in there!) while at the same time being realistic enough to acknowledge that what needed to get done - the ultrasounds - got done.
This morning (February 18th), I went in for my scan, ready to jet outta here and head back home (I even wore nice clothes, did my hair and put on makeup for seeing my hubby again.) Except the follicle was still there. 2.13 cm. Not "ovulated" yet. Wow. I should just learn to not be surprised by anything anymore. Disappointed, I called Andy, called my mom, called the rental car company, and checked back into the hotel. Plan N Apparently, I should learn to stop making plans too. And then I thought maybe just maybe (with the prospect of nothing better to do all day) I should write this all down so that I can look back at it fondly some day. That was five and a half hours ago. Holy moly.
I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I could even make this crazy journey. Grateful that there is a place where women and their bodies are respected and healed. Grateful that it was a feasible option for us. Grateful that our insurance is covering it. Grateful that we could afford it. Grateful that we made it to this point. Grateful for a Doctor who has dedicated his life to revolutionizing Women's Health care in moral and ethical ways. Grateful for our loving, helpful family who is there for us through the craziness; willing to do whatever needs done to help out. We are so, so blessed.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Journal: February 3
Outside my window: Whaddaya know, grey and cold again. blah.
Clothing myself in: yoga pants, brown t-shirt - lazy Sunday hurrah!
Around the house: Finally finally scrubbed the kitchen floor, Cinderella style. It is a pain, but it seems to be the only thing that really gets it clean. The linoleum has grooves that get dirty and need to be really scrubbed, and the only way I've found to do it effectively is on my hands and knees - thus why I procrastinate doing it endlessly. Andy got one wall in the bedroom downstairs built (studs, drywall hung)
Got garden plans tentatively made for this Spring. We don't need to buy very many plants/seeds because of propagating them from last years crops, but I do think we'll be buying two grafted tomato varieties just b/c we haven't found roma or sandwich tomato varieties that we just love yet. (For those who care, we're looking at a grafted San Marzano and a grafted Mortgage Lifter from Gardens Alive.)
Ira:
-Got to go to the ER last Sunday night with a high fever and confusion/lethargy. It was really scary to see him so incapable of understanding things (didn't know/understand how to take the tylenol tablets out of my hand and chew them, didn't know how to get his shirt on, had to be carried out of bed and to the car.) I don't think I've ever been as fearful for my child's health as I was that night. They checked him for pneumonia and meningitis at the ER and said that it must have just been the high fever possibly combined with dehydration causing it. He missed the first two days of Catholic School's Week due to the fever.
-Is getting better at spontaneous jokes. We were at the dinner table this past week and Andy was talking about someone he works with named Kevin and Ira chimed in "Henno!" (Like Kevin from 3-2-1 Penguins.) It took Andy and I a second to catch it, but it was SO FUNNY!
-Had a particularly rough time with him Friday evening and Saturday morning as he's developed a "rude-dude-attitude." He spent over an hour in our room (he just distracts himself with reading in his own room) adjusting his attitude and wow, the rest of the day was really nice. Andy and I sat down with him after his "room time" and had a great talk with him about pride, sin, having a contrite heart, etc. It was good.
-Had his school's winter carnival last night. Came home with a couple handfuls ofjunk treasures and the book "The Squire and the Scroll." I was thrilled as I've wanted to buy the book for him each time I've visited the Catholic Bookstore, but haven't ever been able to justify the brand-new cost.
Ruby:
-Was sick last weekend just like Ira, but her fever never got as high. Pretty sure she inherited Andy's immune system & Ira inherited mine (lucky girl, poor guy.) She still has the cough, but it doesn't seem to bother her too much.
-Still concerned about whose turn it is to talk, although not quite as intensely as last week.
-Has been successfully keeping her underwear dry at naptime (and bedtime most nights, although she wears a diaper then.)
-Had a very fun time at the Winter Carnival last night. Got her hair sprayed red and orange, had quite the arm on the bean bag toss, and won the big prize (a giant pixie stick) at Plinko.
-Had to throw her last two binkies away this week because they were totally, totally torn up/disintegrating. She threw the last one away today before her nap and no tears were shed and she slept great. Could it really be that simple? We shall see!
In the Kitchen:
Bobby's Goulash with Green Beans (this btw is an absolute favorite, easy, delicious, healthy - I can't wait!); Chicken Quesadillas with Black Beans; Hamburger Vegetable Stew with Foccacia
Hobbies:
Made some homemade mama cloth for my sister who should have her baby any day now. It was the project I referred to in my post last week. I think I'm finally pleased with my design. I'm hoping to make some for my own stash before maybe setting up an Etsy shop to sell them.
Bringing me Joy: This is the month!!! We get to go to PPVI Institute this month. I am so anxious/excited/nervous/thrilled/hopeful about finally getting some concrete answers about our difficulties.
Thinking about: Everything I have to get done/ready/packed/talked about in anticipation of aforementioned trip. Feeling a little overwhelmed and like I just want to retreat to bed and not deal with it at all. I'm sure that'll help.
Pictures to share:
Clothing myself in: yoga pants, brown t-shirt - lazy Sunday hurrah!
Around the house: Finally finally scrubbed the kitchen floor, Cinderella style. It is a pain, but it seems to be the only thing that really gets it clean. The linoleum has grooves that get dirty and need to be really scrubbed, and the only way I've found to do it effectively is on my hands and knees - thus why I procrastinate doing it endlessly. Andy got one wall in the bedroom downstairs built (studs, drywall hung)
Got garden plans tentatively made for this Spring. We don't need to buy very many plants/seeds because of propagating them from last years crops, but I do think we'll be buying two grafted tomato varieties just b/c we haven't found roma or sandwich tomato varieties that we just love yet. (For those who care, we're looking at a grafted San Marzano and a grafted Mortgage Lifter from Gardens Alive.)
Ira:
-Got to go to the ER last Sunday night with a high fever and confusion/lethargy. It was really scary to see him so incapable of understanding things (didn't know/understand how to take the tylenol tablets out of my hand and chew them, didn't know how to get his shirt on, had to be carried out of bed and to the car.) I don't think I've ever been as fearful for my child's health as I was that night. They checked him for pneumonia and meningitis at the ER and said that it must have just been the high fever possibly combined with dehydration causing it. He missed the first two days of Catholic School's Week due to the fever.
-Is getting better at spontaneous jokes. We were at the dinner table this past week and Andy was talking about someone he works with named Kevin and Ira chimed in "Henno!" (Like Kevin from 3-2-1 Penguins.) It took Andy and I a second to catch it, but it was SO FUNNY!
-Had a particularly rough time with him Friday evening and Saturday morning as he's developed a "rude-dude-attitude." He spent over an hour in our room (he just distracts himself with reading in his own room) adjusting his attitude and wow, the rest of the day was really nice. Andy and I sat down with him after his "room time" and had a great talk with him about pride, sin, having a contrite heart, etc. It was good.
-Had his school's winter carnival last night. Came home with a couple handfuls of
Ruby:
-Was sick last weekend just like Ira, but her fever never got as high. Pretty sure she inherited Andy's immune system & Ira inherited mine (lucky girl, poor guy.) She still has the cough, but it doesn't seem to bother her too much.
-Still concerned about whose turn it is to talk, although not quite as intensely as last week.
-Has been successfully keeping her underwear dry at naptime (and bedtime most nights, although she wears a diaper then.)
-Had a very fun time at the Winter Carnival last night. Got her hair sprayed red and orange, had quite the arm on the bean bag toss, and won the big prize (a giant pixie stick) at Plinko.
-Had to throw her last two binkies away this week because they were totally, totally torn up/disintegrating. She threw the last one away today before her nap and no tears were shed and she slept great. Could it really be that simple? We shall see!
In the Kitchen:
Bobby's Goulash with Green Beans (this btw is an absolute favorite, easy, delicious, healthy - I can't wait!); Chicken Quesadillas with Black Beans; Hamburger Vegetable Stew with Foccacia
Hobbies:
Made some homemade mama cloth for my sister who should have her baby any day now. It was the project I referred to in my post last week. I think I'm finally pleased with my design. I'm hoping to make some for my own stash before maybe setting up an Etsy shop to sell them.
Bringing me Joy: This is the month!!! We get to go to PPVI Institute this month. I am so anxious/excited/nervous/thrilled/hopeful about finally getting some concrete answers about our difficulties.
Thinking about: Everything I have to get done/ready/packed/talked about in anticipation of aforementioned trip. Feeling a little overwhelmed and like I just want to retreat to bed and not deal with it at all. I'm sure that'll help.
Pictures to share:
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| Fun hair from Winter Carnival. |
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| Sissy got her hair did too! This is what she did when I said "Let's take a picture of you!" Such spunk! |
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Catch-up
So it's been 3+ weeks since I posted... funny how life happens. I was stressing about how exactly to update, then I decided I'm just going to jump in and do it without regards to formatting. I didn't figure you'd mind.
-Ira's school had an adorable Christmas program on 12-12-12. It was titled "In A Galilee Far, Far Away." It was so cute and you could tell how VERY hard all the kids had worked on it. I teared up during the program thinking about how grateful I am that Ira gets to go to a Catholic School where he can learn and sing about the true meaning of Christmas.
-Thursday before Christmas Break, Pope Paul VI Institute called to schedule my surgery date. I am so ecstatic to finally have a date in my head to look forward to!
-Spent the weekend before Christmas celebrating with 3 different family groups. It was good to see everyone and we (the kids and us) were spoiled immensely by good food, good company, and thoughtful presents. Got some AWESOME pictures with the lightscoop!
-Christmas "Break" was scarcely a break (other than from routines) because Ira (& Ruby eventually) was SICK with the Flu. He looked over at me as 4:00 Christmas Eve Mass was ending and asked "Why is it so ccccccold in here?!" At which point I knew he had a fever. We missed Christmas at my parents' the next day which was one of the most difficult things I've ever subjected myself to (and I've had morning sickness and delivered 2 babies.) Because essentially after the kids opened their presents, Christmas celebrating was "over" for us. No second Christmas Mass, no presents and meals and games with family... just us. in our jammies. all day. I'd like to say I was a champ about it, but I moped around a lot of the day and cried a lot too.
-We thought Ira's fever was gone (it was for almost a day) and went ahead with plans to host my friends from High School whom we got re-connected with after my 10 year reunion. Ira & Ruby went to Andy's parents and we had a wonderful time talking, eating, and playing games with some of my closest friends from High School. I am so happy for these re-kindled friendships!
-Ira was NOT all better. When we picked him up from Andy's folks' he felt warm and sure enough, had a fever. We took him to my doctor's Immediate Care clinic (a WONDERFUL resource) where they diagnosed him with the Flu. At that point, it was past the time that Tamiflu would work, so we were told to push fluids and rest. His fever got up to 103.6 that night before finally breaking. He slept that entire day and night and acted like he felt better. His fever never did come back, although he still seems to be physically drained from the sickness.
-We did get to host my family on Saturday for Christmas. Everyone came and boy was it nice to see them! I finally got to give my mom the calendar that I'd spent dozens of hours working that included this little gem at the end (thanks to my sibs for going along with my crazy idea!):
-Ruby came down with a fever Sunday night. Knowing that the only place she could've gotten it from was Ira, I took her to Immediate Care on Monday morning so that maybe she could get started on Tamiflu. Her swab came back negative, but they did an RV Panel that had to culture for 48 hours and said if it came back by Wednesday, they would still give her the Tamiflu. Her fever broke Monday night, but now she has the cruddiest sounding cough and runny nose. They called today to say that the panel came back positive for "Flu B." Push the fluids and rest. Blurgh...
-Andy and I spent a lot of time playing "The Farming Game." It's part Monopoly, part Stock Market game and a LOT of fun. In fact, I like it better than Monopoly (this coming from a person with Christmas ornaments and books about Monopoly.) We played one game with my sister and brother-in-law and then two games by ourselves. It has yet to get old.
-Finished my hormone series for Dr. Hilgers. Eleven blood draws later, I'm still alive and curious about what all that blood work is going to say about me.
-Andy and I "partied hard" New Years Eve playing The Farming Game, writing birthdays on the calendar for 2013, doing double shots of Tequila at Midnight, and staying up until 2:30 in the morning talking and writing up goals for the year. Neither of us are really "resolution" type people, but it was a good opportunity to re-align our priorities with our values and make sure we're working towards them.
-Spent New Years day cleaning out closets and cabinets, getting rid of junk and rearranging the remaining items. It was a nice start to the New Year.
-Pulled Ira's other top front tooth out. It was like "pulling teeth" replete with Andy holding him and me pulling. It had to come out, that's all I have to say.
-Spent the last day of Christmas Vacation going to lunch and eating sushi, then going to the mall and letting the kids do the "Bungee Bungee" and play Glo-Golf. It was enjoyable to actually spend some time together doing something fun.
I am filled with hope for 2013. Blessings to you and yours this year!
-Ira's school had an adorable Christmas program on 12-12-12. It was titled "In A Galilee Far, Far Away." It was so cute and you could tell how VERY hard all the kids had worked on it. I teared up during the program thinking about how grateful I am that Ira gets to go to a Catholic School where he can learn and sing about the true meaning of Christmas.
-Thursday before Christmas Break, Pope Paul VI Institute called to schedule my surgery date. I am so ecstatic to finally have a date in my head to look forward to!
-Got an early Christmas present from Andy - a Deluxe Lightscoop for my camera. Here is a great example of before and after the Lightscoop. I'm totally thrilled with it. These pictures were taken seconds apart from each other. Not the greatest picture (artistically or technically) but a good example of the Lightscoop's capabilities:
-Christmas "Break" was scarcely a break (other than from routines) because Ira (& Ruby eventually) was SICK with the Flu. He looked over at me as 4:00 Christmas Eve Mass was ending and asked "Why is it so ccccccold in here?!" At which point I knew he had a fever. We missed Christmas at my parents' the next day which was one of the most difficult things I've ever subjected myself to (and I've had morning sickness and delivered 2 babies.) Because essentially after the kids opened their presents, Christmas celebrating was "over" for us. No second Christmas Mass, no presents and meals and games with family... just us. in our jammies. all day. I'd like to say I was a champ about it, but I moped around a lot of the day and cried a lot too.
-We thought Ira's fever was gone (it was for almost a day) and went ahead with plans to host my friends from High School whom we got re-connected with after my 10 year reunion. Ira & Ruby went to Andy's parents and we had a wonderful time talking, eating, and playing games with some of my closest friends from High School. I am so happy for these re-kindled friendships!
-Ira was NOT all better. When we picked him up from Andy's folks' he felt warm and sure enough, had a fever. We took him to my doctor's Immediate Care clinic (a WONDERFUL resource) where they diagnosed him with the Flu. At that point, it was past the time that Tamiflu would work, so we were told to push fluids and rest. His fever got up to 103.6 that night before finally breaking. He slept that entire day and night and acted like he felt better. His fever never did come back, although he still seems to be physically drained from the sickness.
-We did get to host my family on Saturday for Christmas. Everyone came and boy was it nice to see them! I finally got to give my mom the calendar that I'd spent dozens of hours working that included this little gem at the end (thanks to my sibs for going along with my crazy idea!):
-Ruby came down with a fever Sunday night. Knowing that the only place she could've gotten it from was Ira, I took her to Immediate Care on Monday morning so that maybe she could get started on Tamiflu. Her swab came back negative, but they did an RV Panel that had to culture for 48 hours and said if it came back by Wednesday, they would still give her the Tamiflu. Her fever broke Monday night, but now she has the cruddiest sounding cough and runny nose. They called today to say that the panel came back positive for "Flu B." Push the fluids and rest. Blurgh...
-Andy and I spent a lot of time playing "The Farming Game." It's part Monopoly, part Stock Market game and a LOT of fun. In fact, I like it better than Monopoly (this coming from a person with Christmas ornaments and books about Monopoly.) We played one game with my sister and brother-in-law and then two games by ourselves. It has yet to get old.
-Finished my hormone series for Dr. Hilgers. Eleven blood draws later, I'm still alive and curious about what all that blood work is going to say about me.
-Andy and I "partied hard" New Years Eve playing The Farming Game, writing birthdays on the calendar for 2013, doing double shots of Tequila at Midnight, and staying up until 2:30 in the morning talking and writing up goals for the year. Neither of us are really "resolution" type people, but it was a good opportunity to re-align our priorities with our values and make sure we're working towards them.
-Spent New Years day cleaning out closets and cabinets, getting rid of junk and rearranging the remaining items. It was a nice start to the New Year.
-Pulled Ira's other top front tooth out. It was like "pulling teeth" replete with Andy holding him and me pulling. It had to come out, that's all I have to say.
-Spent the last day of Christmas Vacation going to lunch and eating sushi, then going to the mall and letting the kids do the "Bungee Bungee" and play Glo-Golf. It was enjoyable to actually spend some time together doing something fun.
I am filled with hope for 2013. Blessings to you and yours this year!
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Journal: November 25
Outside my window: Hmm... this isn't very exciting when one blogs from the basement with no windows at night. The weather was nice today though, sunny and upper 40s to mid 50s I'd guess.
Clothing myself in: Black yoga pants, red long-sleeved running shirt, black NYC hoodie.
Around the house: Not much exciting, Ira was home on Thanksgiving Break all last week, so mainly I just tried to keep everyone alive and make sure that the kiddos picked up their toys each night. I did rake the mountain of leaves off of the patio (the wind likes to leave them there for me) and put away some hoses outside. That's something, right?
Ruby: Keeps talking about giving her binkies to the binky fairy. It's not really a big deal either way to me when she gets rid of them, but it would be nice to not have to worry about always having one. I told her maybe we'd try to leave them for the fairy tomorrow night. I'll let you know how that goes... She is doing really well with the whole "Quiet Time" thing in the afternoon. More days than not she ends up asleep. How long I let her stay asleep depends on how "well rested" she is. She has also been asking to wear underwear to QT and to bed at night. So far, we've just let her wear underwear at QT (her night-time diapers are still very wet most mornings) and she's done really well keeping them dry even while asleep. Sigh. My baby is growing up. Cute Rubyism: We pray for a baby pretty much every night. Well tonight when we were praying, Ruby told me that I could have one of her babies (dolls). She can be such a sweetie!
Ira: Finally lost his top right tooth. It had gotten to the point where he wouldn't even wiggle it because he was afraid it would just fall out. On Thanksgiving day, he was chewing on a piece of candy corn when lo and behold he says, "my tooth is out!" Pretty sweet way to loose a tooth! He got to shoot a gun for the first time this weekend (under very close supervision, of course.) I think he thought that was pretty cool. He's progressing well in piano lessons (although we haven't been very diligent about doing a lesson every week.) He's really motivated now though, because his Christmas Book is on the staff, and he has a few pages to go before he'll be playing comfortably across the staff.
In the kitchen: I'm really excited about the meals that I have planned for this week. Tomorrow is Andy's birthday so we're making some special food to celebrate. Gyros with Tzatziki and Greek salads; Monica's Mexican Chili; Chicken Palava with Rice; Pico de Tuna with some modifications (shredded carrots, rice, black beans, lime juice). Mostly new recipes, which is always exciting!
Hobbies: Took some family pictures for my siblings and took our traditional big family picture on Thanksgiving. I'm thrilled with how they turned out. Made (with the kids) a present for my niece who turns 3 this week.
Bringing me joy: You know, sometimes in the midst of all this fertility/miscarriage/hormone-wackiness, it is very difficult for me to find joy. The last couple of weeks whenever I get to this part of my journal, I've had to seriously grab for straws. Some days, I just don't see much joy in my life at all. And I know that sounds like a pessimistic and unappreciative attitude, but I am telling you, when I'm in that mental place, it just seems like everything goes wrong. I am finding that exercising helps considerably, and I've also found that compartmentalizing the "going to PPVI Institute" hopes into a space where I don't let my mind wander often has helped as well.
That being said, this week was actually pretty good. Things that brought me joy: 2 mile runs several times this week; Ruby wearing her big purple coat; playing Monopoly with Ira; praying with my nephew and niece, my kids sitting at "the big kid" table for Thanksgiving dinner, talking with my siblings and parents over a wonderful meal, a raise, going on a family date, talking politics with my hubby's family, playing peek-a-boo with an adorable 10 month old.
Thinking about: Celebrating my hubby's birthday tomorrow - he'll be 30! Eeek! That sounds so OLD when I type it! Being kind even when I know my hormones want me to be grouchy and mean.
Pictures to share:
Clothing myself in: Black yoga pants, red long-sleeved running shirt, black NYC hoodie.
Around the house: Not much exciting, Ira was home on Thanksgiving Break all last week, so mainly I just tried to keep everyone alive and make sure that the kiddos picked up their toys each night. I did rake the mountain of leaves off of the patio (the wind likes to leave them there for me) and put away some hoses outside. That's something, right?
Ruby: Keeps talking about giving her binkies to the binky fairy. It's not really a big deal either way to me when she gets rid of them, but it would be nice to not have to worry about always having one. I told her maybe we'd try to leave them for the fairy tomorrow night. I'll let you know how that goes... She is doing really well with the whole "Quiet Time" thing in the afternoon. More days than not she ends up asleep. How long I let her stay asleep depends on how "well rested" she is. She has also been asking to wear underwear to QT and to bed at night. So far, we've just let her wear underwear at QT (her night-time diapers are still very wet most mornings) and she's done really well keeping them dry even while asleep. Sigh. My baby is growing up. Cute Rubyism: We pray for a baby pretty much every night. Well tonight when we were praying, Ruby told me that I could have one of her babies (dolls). She can be such a sweetie!
Ira: Finally lost his top right tooth. It had gotten to the point where he wouldn't even wiggle it because he was afraid it would just fall out. On Thanksgiving day, he was chewing on a piece of candy corn when lo and behold he says, "my tooth is out!" Pretty sweet way to loose a tooth! He got to shoot a gun for the first time this weekend (under very close supervision, of course.) I think he thought that was pretty cool. He's progressing well in piano lessons (although we haven't been very diligent about doing a lesson every week.) He's really motivated now though, because his Christmas Book is on the staff, and he has a few pages to go before he'll be playing comfortably across the staff.
In the kitchen: I'm really excited about the meals that I have planned for this week. Tomorrow is Andy's birthday so we're making some special food to celebrate. Gyros with Tzatziki and Greek salads; Monica's Mexican Chili; Chicken Palava with Rice; Pico de Tuna with some modifications (shredded carrots, rice, black beans, lime juice). Mostly new recipes, which is always exciting!
Hobbies: Took some family pictures for my siblings and took our traditional big family picture on Thanksgiving. I'm thrilled with how they turned out. Made (with the kids) a present for my niece who turns 3 this week.
Bringing me joy: You know, sometimes in the midst of all this fertility/miscarriage/hormone-wackiness, it is very difficult for me to find joy. The last couple of weeks whenever I get to this part of my journal, I've had to seriously grab for straws. Some days, I just don't see much joy in my life at all. And I know that sounds like a pessimistic and unappreciative attitude, but I am telling you, when I'm in that mental place, it just seems like everything goes wrong. I am finding that exercising helps considerably, and I've also found that compartmentalizing the "going to PPVI Institute" hopes into a space where I don't let my mind wander often has helped as well.
That being said, this week was actually pretty good. Things that brought me joy: 2 mile runs several times this week; Ruby wearing her big purple coat; playing Monopoly with Ira; praying with my nephew and niece, my kids sitting at "the big kid" table for Thanksgiving dinner, talking with my siblings and parents over a wonderful meal, a raise, going on a family date, talking politics with my hubby's family, playing peek-a-boo with an adorable 10 month old.
Thinking about: Celebrating my hubby's birthday tomorrow - he'll be 30! Eeek! That sounds so OLD when I type it! Being kind even when I know my hormones want me to be grouchy and mean.
Pictures to share:
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| Look at that gap-toothed smile! He's getting so big! |
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| Ruby (in the YMCA jersey I mentioned last week) driving her baby around the house. |
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| Sure do love these people! |
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